Just like every time I’m given a few weeks off from school and able to delve into my laziness again, I’m able to retreat into myself and re-come to better terms and understanding of myself.

It’s true. The college life is crazy. No matter what you find yourself doing or where you find yourself involving yourself in, college can make you a bit crazy at times. Living a life at home and at college can be completely different: I live a life at home in which I find myself in touch with my truest values, lifestyle, deepest dreams, and with where my true desires lie, versus a life in college where I find myself overwhelming myself with countless opportunities and responsibilities to forward my own personal standing as an individual… The balance of the “home-me” and the “college-me”, in a sense, keeps me grounded and keeps me motivated. It’s simple: home keeps me grounded to everything my youth once was to me, and still is—my dreams and desires and ambitions I wish to pursue; college keeps me motivated in that I’m always working and hoping the opportunities I involve myself in will be of some value, whether personal or professional. Then, there’s always the undying questioning of whether this will all be worth something someday—but who knows? Those crazy college days are just like those crazy high school days (whatever you may consider crazy—my crazy, to me, is my doing things I wouldn’t normally do like being too out too much or over-involving myself in people or opportunities)–you don’t know what may have come out of it, but in time, you know something did.

As the new year has begun and resolutions are being had (or ignored, by some), I suppose there are some things I’d like to “refocus” my energy on. It isn’t really in the sense of changing myself or things, but rather suiting my life towards the life I want to be living, and the attitude I want to uphold. “A change of energy” in other words, perhaps. And, with a few weeks of realizations and conversations with old friends that really bring things back to me, I’ve come to terms with some things and would like to list out some personal motivations for reference.

Social

• I’m a strong advocate of love and the goodness in all people—broken or hurt, angered or rude–whether it be for the better or worse. But, remembering why I love people and the diversity and color they bring into our lives is something I value. I find importance in having a compassionate and giving heart, whether it be in bringing and retaining a positive energy and faith to things and people, or respecting people and being aware of how you treat others. Just know your limits–and treat people with all the love and happiness and respect you have. We’re all creatures capable of loving.
• Yeah, the world can be crap sometimes. But there’s no use in finding all the blame in the world. Use that crap and discover the real love.
• I’ve realized I’ve become so cold to romantic gestures. It’s almost like my once “hopeless romantic-self” has merged with the real world and finds romantic advances and pursuits tasteless, especially when it’s always one-sided. Within my past 2 years in college, I guess you could say I’ve been overwhelmed and “showered” in love and adoration and crushes from boys who I feel I don’t necessarily connect to. It may be because of my lack of interest or interest in pursuing something else with some person or general disinterest at this time in my life… I guess I’ve become so tired of the “same thing” happening to me over and over again—people adoring and loving some “idea” or “fantasy” of me rather than knowing me. It’s led me to realize my own “friendliness” and nice-ness as a person. As a Type 2 Giver, INFJ, and Pisces sun with moon in Libra, it’s natural for me to see the good in everyone and strive to be accepted by everyone. This probably makes me one of those “nice people” who may, at times, be taken advantage of for her niceness. Knowing my limits and values and what I want will help me overcome my being taken advantage of—in the sense of people growing unhealthy crushes and infatuations with me and taking advantage of my friendship for something more. Being clear with what I want, where I stand, and focusing my energy in the right people and places will help keep me sane. (As it was said in Silver Linings Playbook, Pat criticizes Tiffany, stating, “Do you text him when you’re lonely? That’s not right. You shouldn’t do that. That gives them false hope, you know.”) It’s okay to be lonely, but knowing and being aware of where your acts of reaching out take you is important to stay awake to. Also, focusing more on what I want and remembering what I am to my community, offering myself but not submitting myself to my community, will help me utilize my best assets for the benefit of myself and my community—to know my place within myself and within the community.

Professional

• My love for music and writing and interest in the film and entertainment industry is something I see myself involving myself in for the rest of my professional life. Artists are indeed emotional and perhaps broken souls. Remembering why I love my music and writing so much–and why it “saves” or keeps me sane–and the life this industry portrays, can keep me motivated and in love with my professional life. Also, remembering to actively engage myself in my loves—rather than idly sitting back—is a big thing for me to continue to work on as well. Moving back home this summer, taking guitar lessons again, hopefully singing lessons, and continuing my writing opportunities will keep me grounded and moving at the same time. And, perhaps a summer music project to record demos and covers of everything should be something to focus on…hm?

Personal

• I hate to be so “plugged in” and stuck on technology, which is why I’ve always resisted the smartphone, texting and phone-browsing while in the company of friends, and constant picture-taking–so–I’ve vowed to live a simpler lifestyle away from the insecurities of upholding a public life through my own personal social networking. As I just got a new iPod touch (since my 1st gen 4gb cracked iPod nano which Meg & Dia signed wasn’t doing it for me anymore…)–which I initially have felt very iffy having because of the addictive nature of its apps and games–I want to resist it by all means from unnecessary “plugging in” and to utilize it for when I feel it needed. Of course there’s no doubt I’ll give into it when I want to share something I feel is simply cool because I’m a young girl who finds cool-ness in the randomest and silliest of things, I don’t want it to become my best friend. Or, any other technology for that matter…
• My home life with the people I love means a lot to me. Refocusing my energy with the ones I love, remembering where I’ve grown up and the values I’ve grown up on that are important to me is something I should always focus on. Whether it be my going to church reminds me of home, my staying in touch with my faith, or my whole anti-drug and alcohol-ness reminding me of my disinterest in normal social activities, knowing what it is exactly I love and value will keep me at a place of home within myself. Whatever it may be, whatever quirks or weird tendencies I do, are absolutely okay to have as well. Accepting myself within myself and learning to wholly love myself is important—and that also means taking care of myself and treating my body as the temple it is.

And lastly, I would like to say: Remember to Be happy! It’s not that hard of a thing—it’s only ourselves that makes it hard for us. Who we are and how we feel about ourselves influences how we are and react with other people. If it’s love that’s important to you, you first need to learn how to love yourself. If you find yourself in a rut and want to find a peace of mind and happiness, find the ruins in your life and the things that make you unhappy, and try to come to peace with them and fix wherever possible. We are in total control of our happiness, so we shouldn’t cheat ourselves of it. But, don’t be too selfish as well. We all know it is in making someone else happy that really makes ourselves feel a sense of achievement and gratitude. Happiness is shared. So share it, be it, and shower yourself in it. Refocus your energy on the things that really matter. If you don’t know what those are, make a habit of discovering it.