Open Valentine

Love, love… Damn love is in the air! And for optimistic ole me, it always should be. If it isn’t, radiate love and it will follow. (At least, that’s what I tell myself.)

I’ve always been one of those girls who people wanted to love, but could never be open to it.

The flowers delivered to my dorm room; the public proposals to college dances and galas; the secret poem shown at a club meeting; and the mystery bouquet sent to my home address even after graduation.

I’ve never felt fully open to pursue a relationship in the past years because I never felt ready. I’ve told myself I was too distracted, too ambitious, too driven, friendly and too much like “one of the guys.”

In truth: a part of me has always been scared. I’ve never felt comfortable opening myself up to someone that deeply. There are still places I see in myself that need improvement. And as such an independent, career-oriented person, there are only a handful of close friends I can truly trust. (And even then, that can still feel a little weird to me.)

It’s taken me the past couple of years to realize that you can have all the successes and accomplishments in the world, but it really doesn’t mean much if you don’t have someone to share that with. To share those moments with.

When I receive attention, love and support from others, it all becomes very flattering; but at the end of the day, my life is still very much the same. The love I feel inside hasn’t changed.

I know that if I were to love someone, I’d give it 100%. I’m a damn passionate person and know if I felt strongly about something or someone, I’d give it my all. Heck–I’ve even told myself that if I were to put just half as much the love I put into music into my relationships, my life would be a little more interesting. (That passion and follow-your-gut feeling has made most people think I’m just picky. Hell, maybe I am! But that’s just because I know what works best with me. What kind of person can complement my own.)

The other day, I realized a shift. A gentleman walked right up to my cashier at work and ordered a medium iced latte. He leaned forward, smiled and said to me, “So can I get the neighborhood discount?”

I awkwardly fumbled behind the screen, casually playing his attempt off.

“Was he insinuating something else?!” I thought.

Even if he wasn’t, it was that little moment that sparked something. I used to always shrug people off and see everyone as a friend, but I feel myself more openly seeing that these people could turn into something more. And if not, I know I have people in my life who still manage to bring a smile or two to my face.

I think it’s those little moments that keep one going. When you’re able to see something more in someone else, and they see more in you, too… That’s not something to just look past.

With love and honesty.

P.S. I still don’t know who sent me those flowers, but whoever you are: mission accomplished.

2 responses to “Open Valentine

  1. I can relate to this. I’m in a limbo situation at the moment; half of me wanting to jump in but then the other half of me has her armour on and is just waiting for a reason to run away. It is an ongoing battle but also one where I need to take into account both sides of me and acknowledge how each feels rather dismissing either as being too mushy, too soft or on the other hand too scared, too cold. I’ll let you know when I figure it out 😉

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