Journal: On love and loneliness

Disclaimer: Journal entry in my phone from an hour car ride this morning on my way down to L.A.

I go by the philosophy that you are most ready to be in a relationship when you are most able to be at peace with yourself. Now, I’ve been alone for basically all of my life–minus the fact I have had several relationships where the other wanted more–but, I could never feel that I was fully ready.

One of the things I can’t seem to get over is is the act of disappointment. Disappointing or letting down others takes a huge toll on my self-esteem, confidence, and well-being. As a Type 2 “Giver”, I am ultimately a people-pleaser and, when I can’t do that, anxiety starts to kick in. When it comes to relationships, I have often been typecasted as the girl no one could get–the “dream” girl, or the goody-two shoes that was just “too good” to be with someone. I’ve been so much of a “dream girl” and put on a pedestal no one could ever live up to… Being in a relationship is a very vulnerable thing because you basically share yourself with another human-being and, as a young person with big dreams and loose ideas, I need to be more selfish with myself–something I tend to lack. Vulnerability is something I find I am most in touch with, but when it comes to sharing myself with another person, it’s an idea I haven’t fully warmed up to. With my dad passing away when I was only 4, I’ve never seen how two people in love act together. Thus, there are even friendships I have that I deem as the closest, yet I feel myself holding back, not even sure what it is. It is the way I have grown up that makes it hard for me to know and experience love–in friendship or in partnership (or even find someone of interest). Too much vulnerability is on the line that my need to not disappoint makes me not want to grow with the person, but already be “grown” (and who knows when will one ever just wake up and realize, “Oh! I am grown today!” That’s silly…) . That’s where my setback lies: I need to learn to share my vulnerabilities with another, while growing with them all the same. That’s how a relationship forms. Well, the good ones at least…

I mentioned that one is most ready to be in a relationship when one is able to be at peace with oneself. That is something I strongly believe in, because a need to be with someone is a dependency on another, and that is unhealthy from the get-go. Problems will ensue when one or both persons need to go somewhere in life, and the dependent person latches onto the other, losing him/herself in what we call “love”. I myself am a very private and introverted person who definitely loves my singlehood and isn’t passionately on the lookout for love; but, loneliness, on the other hand, is something I face at times and makes me unstable–not at peace with myself. There is a quote that French songstress Edith Piaf once said in the movie La Vie En Rose…: “Are you afraid of death? … Less than solitude.” Being more afraid of dying lonely than death itself… That struck such a huge chord in me because, as beings who naturally thrive on love, loneliness is as painful as death itself–much of the reason many may commit suicide or something of the like–because they had no one to reach out to. My cold, distant, and resistant ways make me appear as if I’m “there” when I am mentally elsewhere; this is something I have been having a problem with as of late, but not something that is unfamiliar. I experienced this much in my early high school days and, scarily enough, it has been coming back late this summer. — That is why I believe 2012 is a bad year for me; going into it, I knew it wasn’t going be as wonderful as the year before, and change would be harder, while thoughts ran deeper. I had a series of depression phases early at the start, an emotional breakdown come April–something I’ve never had or felt before–and feelings of loneliness when Home and all the people I love were surrounding me. I had a strong gut feeling that this year would be rough for me from the start, and just more than halfway through it, that couldn’t be more true. I couldn’t wait for the year to end more…

I become a Pisces out of water when I’m out of my element, and, lately, that is how I have been. Albeit, this past summer I have been as happy as could be: my heart was full of love, I was well-rested and easily entertained by my long-time missed movies and games, my spirits rejuvenated, and I couldn’t put my guitar down, really falling into the groove of my music and writing… I’m not sure what it is that triggered and brought out those “fish out of water” feelings again, but perhaps it is the confrontation of the ideas I had pushed into the back of my head through these distractions; perhaps I was uneasy again because I felt and faced my loneliness, my faulty college & career plans, or just my idleness. One of the things I could never ever live with is knowing that my life isn’t shared, expressed, or given unto consumption. Yes, that is the pure thought of an artist; you feel you have something to say and that’s all you live for. I’m one of those people. And there is no way in hell I’m gonna let these “fish out of water” feelings consume me, biting my lip and sitting back. Right now, I’ll do all I can do to find myself again to get back on track to what I was meant for. It’s what I live for. Without it, I’m not living. Whether I’m tired, stressed, depressed, or catching the blues… I pray I don’t let the feelings consume me. Emotions are the number one thing I lie prone to and remain weak to–they tend to disappoint me because I feel I am disappointing others.

So, as I would like to conclude… Love is what I live for, and love is the cure for loneliness. Whether you find love in a friend, a lover, a hobby or passion, make sure it is shared. When it is not, you are only loving yourself in loneliness. As Edith Piaf once revealed, dying in solitude is scarier than death itself. Love truly is everything, so don’t deprive it of yourself simply from not getting enough sleep at night, or never being happy where you are… Don’t live half asleep. Live in love.

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