Heart less

You know what scares me? The idea that I may write so much, and have all these brilliant ideas, but they never go to good use. That they aren’t worth anything in the end.

These past few weeks have been a whirlwind for me. Having classes everyday, going to meetings in-between, staying late for PACN practices and teaching dances, and staying up late trying to stay on top of my work—I almost feel like a drone.

There are few occurrences throughout the days that make the going enjoyable: my eccentric French teacher putting her students in funny situations; days on campus where I find myself getting free food all day; having time to sit down with a friend and really catch up; or even those few short moments I catch my breath at the end of the day and find myself smiling back to myself in the mirror. It’s the little moments that bring me peace in the unusual lifestyle that surrounds me.

Aldrich Park, Mid-day flowers on a bench.

As Week 9 has already hit this quarter, it’s scary to see how much time has passed by, yet how little I remember happening. I’ve gone to Vegas for PACN board retreat in January, Hollywood Hills for PASS retreat some weeks ago, visited LA and Mike Kaminsky’s (manager of Dia Frampton and the late-Meg & Dia) “Heywood” restaurant on Valentine’s Day, went to a free Morrissey of The Smiths concert at the Staples Center (thanks to an out-of-the-blue KUCI raffle) last Friday night, and have gone weeks upon weeks of daily PACN workshops, leading and teaching a group of about 60 dancers my favorites of the Maria Clara Philippine dance suite. My life screams social right now, but all I ever seek throughout it is quietude.

PASS Retreat, Hollywood Hills, far right.

One of the things I have always wanted to do in my life, ever since I was that shy little girl sitting quietly in her 6th grade classroom, was to put myself out there. And, it’s clear to see how visible I have made myself become. I started my first blog at the age of 12. I opened my Youtube channel at 15. I first taught cultural dances at 16. I led Kairos retreat at 18. I am on PACN board at 19.

Yet, is it possible to still feel like something’s missing? When you’ve put yourself out there and made yourself visible? Is it simply just ‘not enough,’ as much as I’ve resisted living in such a way?

Perhaps it is because I’ve lost my heart–that true, inkling desire to spur an emotion in another has gone. With my blog, my videos, the retreat I led and small performances I did, I could feel and remember just how alive I felt. I remember how my spirits were just so high, and my heart was fully in it. Everyone could see and feel the light sparkling in my eye… It was magical.

As I find the time to sit here and really think about this, aside from the chaos that exists just outside my door, all I can think about is detachment. I’ve physically detached myself from the outside world and outside influences to reach this place, to focus on my situation (something I’ve realized hasn’t been drawn upon enough as of late). I’ve found I’ve been missing that key element and value to being true to myself: my spiritual intuition and volition.

Perhaps why all these events have simply been just events–rather than experiences–is because I’ve lost my heart. I know there is so much more I wish to be doing with my life, and as much as I love the things I am doing now, I will constantly feel “heartless” as long as the things I do in my life lack connection: a connection to my heart, my soul, my mind; to someone, something, or some belief or idea… Connection: That’s what keeps our hearts full. That’s what keeps us going.

Although many may say that there’s a lot going for me, or that I’m doing so much, or that they’re proud of how aware I’ve grown of my position as a Filipino-American in today’s society… There are so many problems in the world, but before you tackle those, you need to tackle your own.

Kairos, chi-roh.

LT4, to me, means being aware of presence with yourself, your faith, and with others. Loving all parts, wholly and equally, is essential towards finding that part in your life you’ve been missing. As my days of 19 are quickly ending, remember what it is to Love.


One response to “Heart less

  1. Well, hm. It seems like you have kind of lost your passion for the thing which you have considered your passion since childhood. Do you think that you possibly just need a break? You said that you were super busy and maybe the blogging and vlogging and everything else is just too much extra. I know that when I get stressed, I tend to lose interest in things that I normally love, just to streamline my priorities. Give it some time, and I think your heart will be back in it. 🙂

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