“It is lovely, when I forget all birthdays, including my own, to find that somebody remembers me.”

“It is lovely, when I forget all birthdays, including my own, to find that somebody remembers me.”
– Ellen Glasgow

As I was just about to spend the eve of my 20th birthday as a quiet night at home to rejuvenate from the chaos surrounding my week, I find I am blessed with so many unexpected, chance happenings. From running into and catching up with some of my favorite hallmates/closest-thing-I-have-to-family-here-at-UCI at the Arts cafe, to being baked a cake from my PASS counselor and prepping songs to play for an upcoming talent show, to getting tricked into being whipped-cream at midnight and staying up ‘til 5am eating noodles, to waking up at 7am taking pretty pictures for PACN board, to spending my whole birthday-day coordinating/organizing/running-around-rehearsing with my Maria Clara-dancers ‘til 5pm, to sleeping the night away with an unexpected Domino’s dessert delivery from a friend back home…

All the energy and wishes surrounding me warm my heart so much, that I don’t exactly realize how many lives I am involved in.

Yet, to feel these things happening to me—to being granted everyone’s wishes, with people telling me, “You must be having a great day! You must be so happy being greeted ‘happy birthday’ for like the 50th time today!”—it makes me feel guilty and rather unusual to feel unfeeling to these things.

As myself and 2 others stood in front of a leftover PACN-cast of about only 100, the girl next to me told me, as we were being sung Happy Birthday, “Oh my God, I’m about to cry…” as we held our faces up in embarrassment. As I looked up and realized and felt all the people surrounding me, wishing us our happy birthdays, I realized how overwhelming this experience was, yet how detached I felt from it. I lacked the energy to really appreciate and live into what was happening to me in the moment.

For some weeks now, I’ve realized just how uninspired and ‘dead’ I’ve been feeling. And, as my teen years are behind me now, I wonder how some of the sweetest things to ever happen to me—some that I even told to people in the moment, that these were such thoughtful acts that didn’t need to be done—could be things I felt so emotionless towards. I would hate to blame it on the lack of energy and fuel I’ve been running on, but, it’s the only thing I really can point my finger on…

Yes, I know it in my heart that I am a sap—I’m a sentimental sap that takes things to heart maybe a bit too easily—but, it’s something that I’m not ashamed of. I wholeheartedly take to heart all of the little actions other people do towards me, or even to others… because I know how hard it can be to even just show a little piece and bit of affection towards another. I’ve had a fun and exciting and weird hot mess of a weekend, but, sometimes, at the end of it all, you just want to spend it with someone special—if it be a close-friend, someone from your past, an unknown lover, or family. You want a quiet night to really indulge in the moment—not surrounded by the masses, but with one or two or even three people—to really bask in a moment. This weekend, I feel I’ve been able to bask in it myself.

Not even with Guytar by my side.


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