It’s been a while since I’ve been able to just really blog. You know, just really get my thoughts out there and have the time to sit down and reflect. Like old times. When your life is constantly on the move and you’re keeping yourself busy with lots of things and people, it’s easy to get “caught up,” and maybe lose yourself in it.
It’s weird to say, but I find my life has become a lot social. It’s become rare to have a night spent at home during the week. It’s usual for me to come back to my room at 10pm or even 3am in the morning, then get ready for bed while I finish some tiny assignments due the next day. I get up in the morning to head to campus, return home in the wee hours of the night just to “hit they hay-sack,” then get up and do it all over again.
I’m not sure if I can say if this all has been good for me—being out with friends all the time, attending meetings and eating out and attending after-events and whatnot. It’s totally unlike me. I’m utterly shy, introverted, reserved, and adore my personal time. But, I’ve put myself out there. People know my name. People recognize me. People remember.
There was a quote that I used to live by some years back. It goes, “Do not be simply good. Be good for something.”
Just not too long ago, I can say that I was entirely selfish in my pursuits and life goals. Albeit, I was always the nice girl who always looked for the best interest in others—to the point of maybe being taken advantage of—but, I find that the things I used to focus my life on so much—those dreams and maybe ambitions I had—have seemed to have lost their luster. That time that I enjoyed being home, being able to sit my butt in front of a TV absorbing myself in these “amazing” stories, inspire myself with a new film, or learn songs upon songs on the guitar, losing myself to the weepy melodies of the strings and voices caressing over those melancholic tones… I still have a love for those pastimes, but I find being with people makes that much more of a difference.
I’ve always been one that believed I had something to say. I’ve been an avid blogger since I was 12-years-old and have crafted my voice through it. I’ve had so many amazing individuals come into my life and influence me in ways unimaginable. With that, I’ve learned so much from them—probably because there was an innocence and a purity and an understanding I emitted that drew people to me. After all, I’ll never forget the time my high school mentor told me, “I want my daughter to grow up to be like you.”
I feel that in the many events and years I have gone through—although, very limited, for I still have so much to learn and experience—have almost amounted to the level of understanding I have on the world today. In middle school I discovered my inner-spirituality and faith and grew in touch with the values and morals that made me me. In high school I found the family within my culture through dancing, developed my love for written word, and discovered the music that healed and helped my heart in ways unimaginable—I married my guitar. In college, I stepped out of my sheltered life and opened myself to the cultured, diverse world of college, exposed to my culture and identity in ways unimaginable that “decolonized” my mind and made me become aware and take a stance on my position and place as a female and Filipina-American in society today. I’ve become aware of my existence.
I used to see dreams and ambitions as these one-way paths. If I were to be a musician or some entertainer or performer, that would be what my entire life would be. As I’ve been exposed to many people and have met and talked with so many different people from different fields, I’ve found that your life is what you make it to be—you’ll be just fine, as long as you’re doing the things you want to do. I figure that if I love music and writing and dance and film so much, I’d never let them go. Yes, I may be a bit confused and all-over-the-place at times since that’s just in my nature, but, I know that those parts of me will stay. Who says I can’t be a music-playing guitar-junkie writing articles on films and movies and going out dancing some cultural dances sometimes while attending protests to ensure my people and words get across to the people of our greater American society? I’ve always wanted to be in a band and play music and record and perform, but, how would it be to devote my whole life to it? When I’ve other interests? To give something 100% while juggling other things isn’t likely. But, I’ll still be doing what I like, right?
I guess the point I am trying to say right now, is that college may have changed me and made me grow, but I feel myself all the same. I’m still that shy nice girl who weirdly gets all this unasked-for attention from hound dogs, but I guess, in a sense, I’m not as “innocent” and “sheltered” anymore. I myself may not have been corrupted to have been changed, but I’ve become aware and understand. My morals and values have all still stayed intact—and perhaps there’s another story that lies underneath there—but, I’m just not my entirely “sheltered” self anymore, as much as I crave and live for a sheltered life. And, I guess there can be a loss in that—for my naive hope and dreams and burning love for things have almost died. That “youthful allure”. I’m still the sentimental sap I always was who takes things to heart a lot. I’m still that musically-inclined, never-quite-satisfied-with-her-successes kind of person. I always strive for more, but am not quite sure what that “more” is.
To surround myself with like-minded people.
To surround myself with people with the same interests.
To surround myself with the things and people I love.
I’m learning and becoming more aware of myself and position in this world we live in, but…
I guess at this point, I just want to go out there and get my hands dirty already.
Oh, and perhaps finding that miracle would be nice too. But, I can’t quite determine whenever that will happen.
In my life, I’ve lived no regrets. “Non, je ne regrette rien…”
Cheers to the life you have been living now, for you cannot connect the dots in your life looking forward, but only in looking back. Look back on the things you have done, and you will find how they have led you to where you are now, and where you will go.
I don’t mean to preach, but, be happy and feel blessed with all the opportunities in your life. Everything you do or say may amount to something, but what really matters is if it stirs a feeling inside of you to change you. Does it really speak to you? What is it do you find yourself feeling angry about, or sad, or full of glee?
I just want to play my guitar.
Why? Because a passion and a message burns inside of me. Do you feel it too?
beauty within 