Every now and then, I find myself falling more and more in love with my hometown. It’s almost like that old adage where “you want what you can’t have—” because I know my permanence and time at home is only temporary every time I’m there.
Though, what makes it so hard for me to leave is the people, the freedom and the comfort of being there. I’ve always believed that home is really with the people you feel most at home with. You can feel at home wherever you make a home for yourself, yet, I feel that that’s the only place I ever made a home for myself. Home is where my heart is, and ever since leaving, I fondly believe that I have left my heart there.
Perhaps it is because of the time I devote to myself whenever I am home. Throughout the school year and time whenever I am away from home, I find myself busying myself with needless distractions just to help me get by. Maybe I’m living on others’ needs and obligations that I never quite have the time to be selfish with my heart—with myself. And, deep down in my heart, I know that I’m not entirely where I want or need to be.
I have dreams that haunt me, and I always have that gut-feeling that school is almost like a stint in the road. School distracts from the time I could be pursuing what it is my heart wants; school spends money I could be saving for the future; though, I reason with myself that, “This will all be worth it someday. This is a great growing process. You only go through college once in your life.” And, I’m not exactly in a college that particularly inspires me in suburban little, lack-of-cultured Irvine.
I’ve been blessed with a wonderful home with wonderful people, needless to say. In all honesty, I’m an entirely sentimental soul who craves the small-town suburban life I’ve grown up in. The comfort of community, family and deep, intimate connections is what I thrive on. The simple life, per se.
Though, with dreams, your heart can become conflicted. Because you know opportunity exists out of the simple life. It exists in leaving your old life and creating a new one—however scary or lonely that may become. You may never feel “at home” with yourself again, but your desire to move forward takes over you.
The purity, innocence, and goodness of my heart becomes alive whenever I return home because I’m reminded of my humble upbringing. And for someone like me, that’s a feeling I would never want to let go of.
Who knows where I will be in some time after I’m finished with schooling. I’ve still got so much to learn as I’ve reached my halfway point. Maybe my head and my heart will finally reach middle-ground. Or, my life will remain a constant search and journey for that middle-ground.
Whatever the case, I’ll be sure to chronicle it. And share my experiences, thoughts, and travels, with you all. Like I always have been.
Because, like I’ve come to realize, I’ve a craving for expression, truth, honesty, experience. It’s all about relating to you, but also staying true to myself.
So, I pray for the new school year to take speed, but to always be aware of what it is my heart truly desires—what it is I keep coming back to when I’m able to take my life in. It’s the music, the word, the experience, the love, family, and community. It’s about sharing the experience and the love that makes this world go round. Our world go round. My world go round.
Life is good when you believe in it. So I say, realize your blessings, take note of the damaged world around us, but the beauty that still exists in it. My heart may have hardened over the years, realizing the harsh realities of growing up, of distance, of good and bad society, but, aside from the life we find ourselves constricted to lies another one greater than we can ever realize. Life will work its wonders. Just be honest with yourself, too.