I Have So Many Dreams

As the end of the quarter has been approaching (and yes, this third time around in college has been quite loaded and packed), taking the time to slow down and take hold of those reins again has felt rather… painstakingly nostalgic.

It first began when I saw an old high-school classmate at the airport a week ago. It was strange for me to acknowledge how, from the small little-town we were embedded in, we all were going our own separate ways. We were living our own separate little lives after having been in the same environment for so long.

I’ve been distracted from working on my final papers all weekend, and it’s kind of nice to be able to take a step back and come to terms with myself again. When you get so caught-up in serving your fellow Kababayan and school-members, it’s hard to keep focus on what it is lies in your heart.

So, I let my mind wander into a world of its own, oftentimes reflecting back on past-me. Whether it be through photos, Facebook posts, blog posts, YouTube videos… My growing-up seems to have become so visible that it is so easy to come back to it.

In everything I do, I find there is a reason. Some underlying passion. A real drive. For I never like to waste any of my time.

I’ve always been a pretty opportunistic person and saw so much potential in myself to be better when I was young. Seeing how much I’ve changed–or how little I have–and comparing it to myself now, and if those changes and growth over time makes me happy, helps me keep track of remaining true to myself and my own values, while still pursuing those goals and never losing sight of them.

Going to Unique LA this past weekend, I was immediately reminded of Meg and Dia Frampton, who have both played a pretty monumental role in my adolescent life growing up, from 13-years-old all the way through college. It’s been almost 8-years now since I remember telling myself:

“I want to do that. I want to play music. I want to be in a band. I want to tour and meet people. I want to travel. All while expressing myself in a way that’s familiar to me.”

My connection to writing and music is something that runs deeper than the mere value of doing it. It’s where–in a place where I can oftentimes get lost in my own self and can hardly enjoy the simple, mundane things in life–it is able to bring me to a greater sense of self, and awareness, and peace. It communicates to me in a way that is familiar to me, able to be consumed and expressed to others.

I find that, rooted deep within me, is someone who is still struggling to embrace who she wholly is.

I like simplicity. I like elegance.

I strive for goodness. I strive for a media-saturated career.

I think poorly of myself. I like some parts of myself.

I dread school. I want to get out.

I find purpose in action and feeling, beyond the systemized ways of living in education.

I want to dress whimsically. I want to dress edgy-alternative. I want to dress girl-next-door.

I am independent and lonely. I am entirely self-satisfying. I am entirely selfless. I can take things for granted.

I live on intuition. I’m a good listener. But I am also too receptive to people.

I know me. But I want to make other people happy too.

I hate when I blog like this, because it makes me think too much. And thinking was “so” high-school. I value my life in action today.

But I still have many dreams.

My distractions this weekend was able to let me remember the people I grew up with. The type of people I was exposed to. And how much they influenced my upbringing. And how darn different the people I’m with here are from the ones I’ve known my whole life.

I’ve never quite been able to surround myself with people I could completely connect with. Like-minded individuals. Lives that mesh well-together. Relationships have been civil and easy to get along with. I’ve always been a patient and tolerant person.

And I’m deeply sentimental. And whether that gets the better of me, who knows. But perhaps a trip of nostalgia will be good when it’s able to affect someone else too.

People come and go all the time. Feelings change. People change. But the root of something never quite changes. It remains.

Although much of life still seems to be very mundane and meaningless–and I wonder if my lack of “satisfaction” in life will ever be “satisfied” as long as I have all these dreams and ideals and “I want it to be like this” kind’a thoughts in my head–searching through yourself for something that connects you to something can let you remember what’s driving you.

Why are you doing this again? Why do you find this important? Where do you hope this will take you someday?

At the end of the day, when we all want to lounge at home, hot chocolate in hand, eyes plugged to some cheesy movie while in the arms of a lover and surrounded by a beautiful home, unique to you…

Remember the life you envision. And don’t get too crazy with it. Remember the life you envision, and may possibly want, and realize that you can go for it. You can make your living right now into that. Make it your lifestyle. Live that lifestyle. And if you don’t have it, realize that your life will fall into place, as long as you are always remembering what it is you want.

Remembering what it is you want will help you never lose sight of yourself. Things may not turn out as planned, but one thing will lead to another. And then will come another day. Dreams by your side, love taking flight, living in a way that is true to you.

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