Oh, I can feel it coming on again…

Those familiar behaviors. Those long glances and glares. Those smiles that lingered a little longer than needed. Those eyes that shot through me a second longer. And those old and familiar feelings of fear, uneasiness and unsaid feelings.

Why am I so obsessed with fixing people?

Why do I feel the need to be that leaning shoulder?

Why am I so sympathetic to understanding the way people work and think?

And why am I so no good in liking?

Photo Source: JourneyMart

There was a moment during my senior year in high school when I became close friends with three special people in my life. One was a growing interest, the other was a good friend, and the other was–let’s say–good at sweet talkin’.

I’m not going to get into specifics right now but, in hindsight, I realize that my yearning to be a good friend–by being there for people, understanding how a person is, and sharing a couple laughs along the way–made it seem as if I were interested in someone.

But, my natural “one of the guys” attitude and growing up with brothers made it easy for me to naturally get along and understand guys better. My womanly instinct and human compassion for others drew me to the lonely, depressed, broken, introspective… The ones who needed me. Who needed a friend. Or even simply enjoyed my company.

And so would begin my frustration of boys who are friends who would grow to have feelings for me.

Where they would begin to like the girl who had a pretty face, who everyone liked and was put on a “higher level” and “high pedestal,” who was nice to everyone and had a fun personality that understood, was sympathetic to others, and had some artistic talents of her own. They loved the way they felt when they were around me.

That, I believe, could be more or less of the reasons my friends would start to grow feelings for me. But, the thing that irks me, is that I wonder if my own intentions and motivations in developing these friendships are for worse–if they aren’t healthy–for me or for them.

I have to be honest with you, though. I am afraid that my friendships are mainly in vain.

I have a natural craving for adventure. I love to get out as much as I can to explore the world around me. I crave experiences that are better than the ones I find myself living in everyday. I love getting to know and understand other people because people and their own stories inspire my life (this is where my compassion for others may be for worse). And I just love people, and I love sharing good moments with them.

And so, when it comes to my little ventures to explore the world, to share a good movie, coffee, eatery or laugh… I find that–in some deep and weird way–those moments with someone makes me dream of being able to one day share that moment with someone else. Someone that I love.

That’s why, in some ways, I find that I can be sitting with someone and I can be ever so distant. My head-space is in another world and I am not fully present. I am temporarily getting-by because I love what I am doing with someone. I am dreaming, and hoping, of that time I can share a moment like this with someone else.

I am, in some weird and strange way, living that life through you.

That’s why I feel people may mistake my appreciation of someone for an actual romantic interest.

I love being that “friend” for someone–to share moments and memories and good times while having conversations that help us find parts of ourselves. I love helping you find you, and helping you grow comfortable with what it is that exactly makes you you.

Disclaimer: I am in no way pointing any fingers to anyone in this post. I am simply accumulating all of my feelings from friendships over the years, and am only helping myself–and maybe you–realize what my habits can be.

Now, what about when it does come to someone I like?

Well, I know how that feeling can be for me. I know how I am when I do like someone. I know I’ve rarely ever had crushes on people I know in my real life, and have never actually really held feelings for someone but, I do know when I like someone–when I get excited, feel giddy inside, and my voice is raised to a higher register as one crosses my mind more with a smile rather than a worry.

But, beside the point, I find that, perhaps in my friendships, I am ridden with a romantic heart. I love to share deep and special moments with people. And that in itself can make one grow vulnerable and trust in me, in which feelings can ensue. Also, my goofy nature, fleeting soul, and independent spirit may be points of attraction for others. (Note: My natural craving for “more” and never being quite satisfied with what I have–my inherent “dreamer”, yuck!–can make me take my friendships, and relationships, for granted.)

But, I do know what is good for me, and I know what I deserve, and I know what kind of “romance” belongs in my life. I know what personalities I can get along with, and what may clash.

The truth is: I can go on without you. People come and go into our lives all the time and, at this moment, you are a part of it. That should be all that matters for right now. But, if there is an inherent feeling of a stronger, deeper, and exciting future ahead…then, that is something else. That is something I have not experienced yet. That is for someone really special.