I received a text from a friend the other day. It read:
“Everyone’s waiting for the day you give someone a chance.”
This wasn’t the first time I heard that. I was just telling my friend how I went on a date recently with some random dude who found me on social media.
I said, “Why the hell not?” I had nothing to lose.
For my entire young adulthood, I can safely say that I’ve never actually pursued a relationship. Yes, I’ve had a boyfriend. Yes, I’ve had a few small crushes. But no, I’ve never actually pursued someone. Why? Well, I’ve never met someone I was entirely crazy about.
It’s funny. As someone who seems so sure of what she wants and loves, when it comes to boys, I have no complete idea.
For anyone who has known me within the past couple of years, you would know how difficult it was to get me to open myself up to someone (romantically). I saw everyone as a friend and pushed aside any romantic pursuit. If someone liked me? Oh, I thought it was sweet. If I kinda liked someone, too? I didn’t think much of it.
A part of me was just never interested in pursuing something in college. I entered college with the mindset, “I’m not going to find my lover in college,” but rather, “This is the place I’m gonna start tackling my dreams.”
It was all about finding confidence.
I can definitely say that I feel I’ve done all I’ve ever wanted to do in college. I’ve seen dreams unfold and feel like a grown, better woman from them. I no longer sheepishly look at the world and instead look at all its uncertainty and say, “Hell yeah! Bring it.”
I feel braver than ever to get vulnerable.
A friend recently asked me, “How do you make a girl who already has everything happy?”
He continued, “Guys want to give you something. But what can they do if you already have everything?”
That line absolutely broke it to me. He made me realize that people can find me difficult because they don’t know how to make me–a girl who is happy on her own–even happier. We all like to grow and learn and contribute to the relationships in our lives, so if a girl already feels full, when will she admit to herself that she isn’t?
In the past, I’ve experienced a lot of friendships with guys that have ended because they realized there was no potential with me. Either they wanted to be with me or not bother at all if there was no potential in being something more… And I’ve come to accept that.
For the first time in my life, I’ve found myself at a place in my life where I genuinely feel more open to the idea of dating. (Gasp!) Just from the past couple of dates I’ve found myself in, I’ve realized how easy it is to let someone become infatuated with you. I’ve had a guy fall in love with some idea of me, which he probably mustered up from my social media accounts; I’ve had another become so excited to date me that he scared me off; and I’ve found that same person find the girl who was “so easy to talk to” intriguing that he asked me to be his on our first date (obviously I said, “No”).
This has definitely opened up my mind into the world of dating–how I am, where I am mentally with myself dating, and how I still need to date to find what I really want. I find it really healthy to know that I don’t know what I want, and that this whole dating thing serves the sole purpose of me seeing what works and what doesn’t.
I’m young, I’m 22 and I’ve always been a little too independent. But, I feel very open to seeing a different side of myself.
So, what will it take for me to actually feel something for someone? I’m not sure, but I’m on a mission to find if I can feel something again.
I definitely feel at a good place in my life and having this feeling inside of me that is genuinely willing to open myself up to another person is exciting. I feel it’s a big marker of where I’ve come to in my life.
Life is just gonna get a hell of a whole lot more interesting now, and I’m so ready to see where this all takes me.
The things to learn and the countless stories of people to meet…
With love and honesty,
Also, this song has been extra relevant to me all summer. Hozier knows what’s up. So tune in, tune out, and enjoy!