It’s scary to admit this, but I’ve been feeling a little out of my element lately.
It’s been about a month since I’ve come back home and the whole idea of me being home has just begun to sit well with me. I’ve been getting into a routine; I’ve kept myself busy; I’ve found things to do; helped my family out; reconnected with old friends; started to “find myself” again.
With every move I take, I have vowed to never blame it on my location.
A part of the reason I was so hung up on not moving back home was because I had such a good thing going on for me down south. I have an amazing professional network–full of musical friends who believe in and openly support me, as well as others willing to connect me with their friends. I have college friends who are working within the music and film industries, which are industries I want to tap into. And most importantly, I feel most in my element when I’m down there; I’m surrounded by thousands of other creatives and go-getters who just inspire me to keep “go-getting” and being creative.
It pays a lot to be in an environment where everyone around you is hustling and you are a lone soul out in that world with no home or family to tie you back down.
I have to admit, I love the Bay Area. I love it more than I love LA. The culture, the charm, the people, the diversity and open-mindedness… It’s one-of-a-kind, and I’m proud to call it my home.
But isn’t it scary when you find yourself in a position where your environment just doesn’t inspire you anymore? I find myself having trouble with finding ways to inspire and motivate myself, that I find myself feeling that same restless, “closed off from the world” energy I had as a 16-year-old girl.
As expected, I reflected on what this past year has been like for me. What has changed? What did I have going on there that I don’t anymore?
It’s been interesting to follow the trajectory of my year on Instagram. (Instagram friends, I can now see why you find my life so entertaining.) Something was always going on in my life: food runs with friends, concert, review in the newspaper, volleyball game with roommates, seeing Meg & Dia, concert, writing about it in the newspaper, Milo Greene, concert, college party, Vegas, growth of my blog, writing in the newspaper, interviewing a musician, concert…
College was like one big party or slumber party. It’s such a blur and it goes by so fast that you only remember more of what you did outside of the classroom than in it. And it makes me laugh. Every single time.
Judging from my Instagram, my life is a lot more lonely nowadays: no more concerts, no more hanging out with friends every single day, no more random foodie-venture with my roommates or interviewing Meg & Dia or some other musician… I’m just traveling and finding reasons to keep myself busy.
Now, I know it’s only been a month and I should give this place more of a chance, but I’m always led to reason there is no place for me here. Yes, I love seeing my family everyday; I love being able to spend more time with my closest and dearest friends who only live up here; I love helping my dear hometown folk out in any way I can… My heart feels its fullest up here. But, a part of me feels that there’s somewhere else I should be, doing some other thing…
I won’t write this place off just yet because I believe there’s still a whole lot more it can offer me. I just have to keep looking… and looking… and keep on looking… until I find something that “fits.”
I’m sure I will. I’m just starting all over again.
With love and honesty (and some moody nostalgia in my cover),
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I've been going on this almost everyday this week, and my week feels just like this picture: a blur. * There's always so much to see and so much to do that it's hard to keep up with yourself. But in the words of Emmy Rossum and Justin Long in #Comet: "It doesn't have to look good on paper to feel good." 🚊 #bart #subway #publictransportation #midnightrides #whalemusic #potatoday with @pattybananacakes