You ever get that strange, giddy feeling of being around someone who just made you feel good? You have no idea why. You two aren’t particularly talking about much. You’ve only had a few shared moments with each other in the past. But just the sight of them brings up a whole bunch of old, remembered feelings. It’s like you two share this mutual understanding of each other. You just get each other. And for anyone who’s known me and my numerous-suitor-but-never-falling-for-anyone-past, that feeling is so hard for me to come by.
It’s the potential of what the two of us could have been.
In the past couple of weeks, I’ve had a few conversations with friends about my “romantic” past and how it’s always been the same: the girl that everyone liked but knew they couldn’t get, the infamous “race for my heart” between my friends, the friend who left once he realized he couldn’t get anything romantic out of me, or the countless YouTube stars, fans and follower encounters who just become so “drawn” to me for no reason other than me being some “idea” or “light” to them.
“You attract the weirdest people, Rachel,” a friend once said.
To be clear: I’m not complaining. In fact, it’s flattering and has caused me to question and really look within to see what’s been causing this. I’m so focused on myself, I say. I don’t have the time or energy to invest in a relationship as much as I should. I say that a part of me just never wanted to open up because I was scared to shatter that “dream” or “idea” by letting someone see the real me, or I simply didn’t have the time.
And in truth, I don’t think that’s entirely true.
“Do you think if you met someone who’s like you, it’d work the way we do?” my friend questioned. “I don’t think you’ve ever met someone like you.”
My friend brought up a good point. I’ve always been surrounded by the same types of people throughout my entire life–people that I can befriend or easily call family, or people who have grown up in a similar way to me.
“Do you think you’re attracted to people you admire? Who you can look up to?”
To that thought: yes! (Who isn’t?) Those few people who’ve sparked an interest or who I’ve been able to really connect with on a genuine level are the ones who are like me or I see parts of myself in them. The way we get excited about the same things; our lifestyles and upbringings are similar; our vibes match and interests align. It’s that point of looking into someone’s eyes and truly feeling like you two really get each other. Honestly. (That sounds so damn cliche to say, but it’s rare and true.)
People can easily assume that I’m picky–that I’m weighing my options and denying the opportunity to pursue something with a great guy. And I’ll admit, there are plenty of friends I’ve had in college that were great and have wanted to pursue something (and I honestly feel that we could have been great), but I simply wasn’t interested in having or being in a relationship. I wasn’t at the point in my life where I could give a relationship its due time and attention. And I think that’s okay.
I think I’ve just never really met someone that felt like “home.” Who I could just be with and really see me beyond everything I am apart from my work, career and dreams.
And then I think of that moment with that someone that made me feel all giddy inside for no damn reason. That point of attraction. That way you just casually approached and hugged me like that was us everyday; the way you weren’t afraid to say you liked me as we went off on our own lives; or that one damn time that damn smirk got to me and little did I know you were thinking the same exact thing I was.
It’s those moments that make me realize: hey, there are those people out there. Perhaps timing or locations or situations don’t work out, but to know that that feeling can and does exist with
someone people just gives me more reason to believe that there are special people out there.
And it’s always been the ones who seem to see the world in a similar way that I do–the burdens of life matched with everyday joys.
Cheers to you. (Or maybe it just takes one killer gaze into my eyes to feel like you know me and I know you. Or your damn stache.)
With love and (damn blushingly) honesty.
Whoever that person is in your mind, they are absolutely one of the luckiest people alive. I wish you success in your romantic pursuits just as you have been in other coming-out-of-your-shell moments. I can still only dream of a similar moment for myself but if there is any one thing you have taught me over the years it’s that optimism pays off. // Go get him and I hope it works out well =)
I may only have limited wifi at sea but when I have the chance to catch up on even one of your blogs, it lightens my heart. Absolutely loved your reflection on “That Moment You Look at Someone Like They are the World” since I relate on a lot of levels – and just know that nothing is wrong if you’re not ready for a relationship. You know yourself best! 🙂 Sending lots of hugs from overseas xx
Wanna record? Guy that visits Peet’s in orinda….