I’m Not Okay, and How I’m Learning to be Okay With That

I’ve found that it’s okay to not be okay, and I’m fully living in and with it.

The ways we have often gone on in this world have not been sustainable to the human soul.

So much of our everyday lives and habits seem to go against what is actually good and sustainable for us. It seems the older I’ve gotten, the more I’ve tapped into actively listening to and honoring what my soul actually craves.

What lights you up? What makes you feel excited? What brings you genuine joy? Moreover, when was the last time you truly felt joy?

These are the questions that really matter, because at the end of the day, when you’ve found yourself getting up in the morning to an unwanted alarm, dreading the days you’ve overcommitted yourself and said “yes” to that thing you should’ve said “no” to, questioning if the work you put into that job is really worth your sanity, or maybe even why you’ve grown so numb and “okay” with the things you know actually aren’t okay, then you know it’s time to wake up.

I’m the type of person who always wanted to follow her joy, yet didn’t know how. As an introspective kid, I spent a lot of time with myself and my thoughts, reflecting on life and seeking out the things that would bring me to a higher place. I always felt like my inner world was so rich, so in awe of life and love and all that it could offer me. I approached my life like I was in my own movie because I sought those feelings of wonder, excitement, joy, peace, sadness and all.

I openly embraced all the feelings that life could offer, in whatever way, shape or form it could present itself — and that brings me to now as I take a birds’ eye view into my life and the ways I’ve approached and lived it.

Life makes it particularly hard focus to listen to ourselves and our own voice, simply because there’s so much noise around us. Social media has drowned us out more than ever with its bombardment of news, music, reels, videos, self-help gurus and wellness coaches who tell us how we should live, how we should act, what we should do, and how we can please our partners and families and friends before we can even please ourselves.

I’ve never been one to regret, as I see every moment in life as a growing experience (nothing’s permanent and everything’s temporary); however, our feelings can be a compass to our true North. When you find yourself going against what naturally feels right to your body and your soul, I think that’s a big sign. I think it’s a sign you’ve been doing yourself a disservice.

Earlier this month, I hit an emotional wall and I didn’t know where it was coming from. I had been pretty happy all summer thus far, living in bliss and joy and a sense of carefree wonder for life. Yet, as the summer seceded and reality began to sink in, I began to realize that I’m not okay. I’m not happy. And as happy as I may have felt, I realize that I’m genuinely not happy with where I am at this point in my life.

There’s a disconnect between me feeling happy and me feeling fulfilled.

One thing I’ve always held constant in my life is my need to write, even if it’s just for myself. The older I’ve gotten, the less I’ve done so because commitments, time, growing older… but I’ve always found it my safe place. In a world where we consume so much media, I oftentimes find myself losing touch with myself and my own voice when I didn’t purposely give myself the time to sit with and have a conversation with myself to reflect on life and “where I am, where I’m going, and where I’ve been.”

I oftentimes feel scatter-brained when I don’t have a moment to sit still and take account of my days. I need time to actively process; and in processing, I’ve found, is where we get to hear ourselves.

I don’t want to sound like some sort of preachy self-help coach, but this is just what I’ve found and discovered for myself. And maybe you’ve felt the same, similar, or not.

The truth is: there are so many things I wish for and want for myself. And perhaps I hate to live in the shadow of my own potential. Yet, as someone with so much potential and heart, a level of self-awareness gained from the experiences she’d gone through, a charm and realness that draws people to her so effortlessly… I know I am someone who is capable of so so much. Excuse me for my self-affirmation moment, but I am talented, smart, healthy and able, emotionally aware and genuinely curious, patient and understanding and incredibly empathetic. All these things and skills just sit inside of me and feels so stuck and unexpressed and… stuck! And it’s frustrating to realize when you’re at that spot of feeling so capable and aware, yet not knowing how to best utilize all you have to offer to move yourself forward to true genuine happiness, and thrive.

Carving out a path for my life moving forward is something I thought I would never say, yet feel more than ever the importance to do so.

I’ve long held onto wishful thinking, lofty dreams and unfocused ideas, simply because I was happy going along with the flow, going with where the wind took me. Yet, as I’ve experienced so much and grown through so many experiences, I know myself better now. And I’m ready to take my life a little more seriously, with clear conviction, direction, focus and discipline, to live the life I want.

I’ve never been someone for plans or a life plan. I’m so genuinely invested in the present moment and take in the moments right in front of me. And perhaps that’s one of my strengths — the ability to “smell the roses,” experience little joys, feel sadness and happiness for all ways the sun hits my face or ocean breeze calms my soul. I’ve lived so much in the little joys as a naive dreamer and creative kid, when I so badly want to truly thrive, put in the work, carve out a path, and create long-term happiness and success for myself — and only myself — living out a life that truly embodies who I am and allows me to feel happy and fulfilled.

I realized that the reason I was so unhappy at the beginning of this month was because I wasn’t fulfilled. Yes, I have taken care to rework my relationships and boundaries; and I have never been someone to limit intentional self-care and time to work on yourself. I’m an incredibly ambitious person and can be hard on myself to a fault. Sometimes I feel I have become so jaded about this world and capitalism and consumerism and believe we should all just live on a farm and get on happily living out our joys; yet, to co-exist in this world and society, I’ve had to come to terms with meeting the job force. And as an incredibly sensitive, intuitive, empathetic and creative soul, how can I create that balance of creativity and self-expression, and a form of work that I can show up to and get behind in day-to-day, while maintaining my overall health, wellness and sanity to actively show up to myself everyday?

Sheesh.

At this point, I’m in an awkward in-between. I’ve done so much and had many experiences that taught me a lot about myself, the growing pains, to better assert myself and my boundaries to speak up for fair treatment, for myself, in relationships, in work. I’m not settling for less at this point, but I do know I need to give myself a plan. Start small. Baby steps.

To allow myself the opportunity to truly exceed and excel, to be a part of a community, to be engaged in my community, to have fun with it all… that’s the whole point of it all, right?!

When we allow ourselves to vibrate at a higher place, and truly vibrate with our genuine desires and work, only then, I feel, will we feel fulfilled. And I just want to get to that place, for myself.

What is it that you truly want, and how will you set yourself on a path that will allow you to get that?

When I let myself go deep down into my insecurities and operate from a place of desperation, my body truly responded. Mindset truly is everything, and our minds can dictate our feelings, moods and, in turn, our bodies. When I sunk into deep anxiety during a breakdown earlier this month, my body responded. It responded so badly to the point where my body went into shock. It was hard to breathe and I was crying to the point where my face was so congested. I was losing oxygen and slowly losing touch with reality. It’s so insane that my mind had become so full of worry and anxiety, that my body just gave in. And I knew I was better than that.

“I’m better than this,” I said to myself. “I know better than this. I never want to operate at a place of desperation,” I told myself. I lost touch with myself and my real internal compass, for the sake of trying to fit myself into a world that just doesn’t seem to fit with how I naturally operate.

Good Lord.

At this point, I’m still at a standstill. I’ve been learning to return to the things I once enjoyed. I’m beginning the process of leaning back into the things that feel right — the writing, the music, my core in it all. These are all the things that have gotten me by ever since I was a teenager in her room alone, trying to find some sort of semblance and connection to someone else (another artist or story), who felt the way she felt. And that was all that matters.

F**k it.

That’s all that still matters.

From the archives, 2018.

With love, honesty and a little defeat,

Rachel

2 responses to “I’m Not Okay, and How I’m Learning to be Okay With That

  1. Pingback: Incubus brings all their hits to their Summer 2022 tour | beauty within·

  2. Pingback: Incubus brings all their hits to their Summer 2022 tour – Blurred Culture·

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s