Yes, I know it’s 4a.m. right now. And, after tonight, I can’t quite put myself to rest until I have the time to really reflect about this.
Yes, I’m the girl who keeps getting hit on at parties. I’m the girl who plays Call of Duty while people drink around me and guys are led to introduce themselves to me. I’m the girl who gets guys’ arms wrapped around her when she sits on a couch. I’m the girl who gets her hand kissed and forehead kissed and gets drunk-talked to when guys’ inhibitions go down. I’m the girl who gets hit on by 3 mid-30s men in the middle of the night buying 24-hour milk tea. I’m the girl whose friends constantly tease and make fun of for breaking hearts and letting people down. I’m the girl who guys confess things to when all they’re enamored with is the idea of me. I’m the girl who made someone drink their disappointments up. I’m the girl who got Gabe Bondoc’s number. And I’m the girl who keeps letting guys’ hopes down when they ask to hang out with me and their hope never goes as planned.
To think that this would all get to my head someday is a joke. I think that after so many encounters, I’ve become so numb and quite annoyed by it all. People say all these things about me, with friends teasing me about watching out for my “attracting people” by never really even doing anything. People say, “Don’t touch her. Watch out for her. Be careful or else you’ll fall for her,” when the reality of the situation always is just a simple infatuation.
Somebody please shoot me the day if and whenever this does get to my head. In all honesty, I’ve been told many things that could have made any ordinary girl feel so good about herself that her confidence goes straight to her head and messes her up. But, all these “compliments” and so-called “attractions” have become so meaningless to me if it has caused me to still be who I am today–entirely humble, oblivious, and nice about it all. Of course, all the attention I may get is flattering, but, flattery only goes so far. This flattery doesn’t really account to my character or people knowing who I am. It’s not me who they like–it’s the idea of me.
Olive Penderghast: “You know, know the sad thing is, Evan, if you’d been a gentleman and maybe asked me out on a date, I might’ve said yes.”
This scene from “Easy A” has really been resonating with me lately. It becomes so easy for people to know you as “that girl” and thus make a habit out of approaching you in “that way”. Boys will be boys, and I’ve not the time to wait for them to grow up. Because… It really is sad. If you want something, and if you particularly feel something, there’s no reason in the world for you to hold it back. If you like a girl, ask her out on a date. Don’t get to know her through pitiful means. Really take the time out to get to know her. You’re always complaining how I keep putting people down? Well, maybe if someone actually took the time to decently get to know me, it would be a different story. And, if the interest just isn’t there, there’s no point in forcing it. It amazes me how difficult some people can understand that… Just go out there and do it. You may be surprised.
I think that a reason it has become so difficult for me to even develop just a minor or simple “crush” on someone is simply because of the fact I keep meeting the same people all the time. There’s no “gamechanger”. Perhaps I’ve become tired of all these people joking how much I get hit on by others. Maybe it’s because I’ve grown tired of it. Maybe it hurts sometimes. Maybe it creeps me out and it isn’t so funny. Maybe it makes me entirely sad, because people never know the reason why I may not like someone. Maybe it hurts when people become so “in love” with you for just being you–yes, I love talking with people and giving my utmost respect to them. To be a decent person and have the courtesy to really listen to people is something I’ve been known to have, because that’s just the one thing I feel like all people should be. I show compassion and care to others who need it. I love the “broken” ones because I thrive off of suffering and I know how broken people can feel… And my being “too nice” makes it so easy for people to become drawn to me–because, for some reason, people say they just don’t meet “nice people like me”. Yes, you love how I am and the things I do and the values I uphold–but, do you really know me? You’ve become so in love with the idea of me that it becomes hard for you to even remotely know what I’m interested in, or what I even want out of the life I’m living. You just like the way you feel when you’re around me. and that in itself has made me an “object of your affection”… (This is the point some feministy-type of content comes in…) I’ve just become objectified without being seen as a real human-being with emotions and ideas and feelings of her own. You talk about me, but when do I get my say?
People may find a problem with how opinionated I am and sometimes feel. If people wonder why I “never liked that guy,” and then ask, “Why are you being so mean?”, can you not understand my honesty in realizing something in some person that just “didn’t click”? Girls tend to run on the natural chemistry they have with another. It’s that internal, intuitive “gut feeling” where the feeling just feels right. Guys tend to love the big ideas and the ideas of being with some idealized girl… Girls “know” when it’s right. And, if a guy can make me smile without even trying to, or even make me laugh, and just hold a good conversation with me, and be able to just speak on the same wavelength as me… as if we’re on the same page, then so be it. We understand each other. But, as of now, I think I’ve just become tired of people “trying too hard to look cool,” and guys convincing themselves that “I’m the best one out there”. Please, you wouldn’t want a girl like me…
Because, let’s face it. I want someone to challenge me. To the point where I challenge myself. People wonder how all this affection and attention has never gotten to my head–perhaps it is because I’m an idealist who always wants and seeks for more. Who is never quite satisfied with her successes. Who never loved herself as much as others loved her. And never knew what it was like to really feel “loved”. I’m not perfect. I have issues of my own. And my being polite and making friends with everyone is just something I like–I like getting along with others because I find humans and their characters so beautiful–especially the broken stories people have. I’m naturally interested in others, especially when they need that friend or helping hand. I love to help others, because I know how it can feel to not be helped at all, or ever be listened to. But, I’m someone whose never loved and perhaps just wants someone to love her in a way that will make her believe she is loved. Whether in friendship or romantically. Not just someone who enamors people, or who people love the “idea” of… Someone who loves her for her.
Then again, I’m just in college. And I’ve always been a patient person, because the other ambitions I have in my life have always put my mind off of the lack of love in my life. I have many ambitions and dreams and goals I wish to accomplish, that whoever does “catch me off guard” will catch me at a time I won’t even be ready for. To expect the unexpected, is really to expect nothing at all.
Why? Because I’ve so much faith in letting life live itself, and letting my choices and ideals and goals drive it. I will live my life, and if someone nice comes along? Well, they will. I’m in no desperate haste. So don’t kill me for it. Faith is a beautiful thing.
I strive and live my life so simply. I ask for the simple things. I find joy in the little things (heck, someone was passing out flowers the other day and my eyes and spirit just naturally lightened!). I see a young mother holding her child and my heart warms up. I see someone doing something nice and I compliment them for it. A simple smile from a stranger makes my day that much better (for I realize there’s still hope in humanity! 🙂 ). Treating people with all the love you have in your heart… That’s what I strive for–because giving others your love has become so difficult for some reason. I wonder why people have become so uptight… Because, It’s the little, simple things that make me happy. And yet, people make the simple, so. darn. complicated.
Good night. Trust in Faith. Trust in Love.