I’ve been in bit of a struggle navigating my way through my life. The thing is, I have a pretty sure idea of what I want to be doing in my life–moreso than a lot of other kids I know my age. And, more often than not, or more than I’d hope for, I find myself dreading school more than appreciating it.
The thing that makes it weigh so heavy right now is because of the fact that college is where you define yourself. And, frankly, I’ve been having a bit of trouble with that.
That goes to show with my blogging progression over the years. Lo and behold, I’ve always believed that high school is the time you find yourself, while college is the time you define yourself. Thus, a lot of my blog posts always sparked conversation throughout high school, simply because I was conversing with myself–figuring myself out and finding myself throughout life’s muddles.
Now halfway through college, the lines have kind of blurred. I’m lost in a myriad of posts regarding music and concerts and events and my own takes on them. I’m fond of particulars and I’m constantly praising the musicianship people have. I’m reading and writing these posts through the musician’s lens. I get what they feel. And I’m a bit aware of the work they put within it.
I’ve been struggling with defining myself because I’m not in the environment I wish to be defining myself. I’m trapped in the school system while I wish to be getting hands-on, creative experience in the studio, performing, or what have you. And here I sit, daydreaming about it all as I write about the ones who are actively living that lifestyle.
Albeit, I guess I do have a way with words. And writing has always been my first love. But music–man!-that’s another thing. It’s this mysterious little creature that just gets you. When words fail you and you can’t say what you feel, music is another beast that can let people feel things. Make you feel good, bad, angry, groovy, bluesy, angsty, loving… Music was my way to express myself when the passivity of writing just wasn’t enough.
You know, I frustrate myself a lot of the time. But I think that might be a part of the “plan”. Because, it’ll take me some real time and growth to really learn about everything and have confidence. That’s what life’s all about. Everything leading up to now happens for a reason–because it leads you to where you are now. And as long as I keep myself frustrated and sad and happy and gleeful and sometimes a little angry, it’s what pushes me. And that’s what’s important, I think. That’s what matters.