I’ve been in bit of a struggle navigating my way through my life. The thing is, I have a pretty sure idea of what I want to be doing in my life–moreso than a lot of other kids I know my age. And, more often than not, or more than I’d hope for, I find myself dreading school more than appreciating it.
The thing that makes it weigh so heavy right now is because of the fact that college is where you define yourself. And, frankly, I’ve been having a bit of trouble with that.
That goes to show with my blogging progression over the years. Lo and behold, I’ve always believed that high school is the time you find yourself, while college is the time you define yourself. Thus, a lot of my blog posts always sparked conversation throughout high school, simply because I was conversing with myself–figuring myself out and finding myself throughout life’s muddles.
Now halfway through college, the lines have kind of blurred. I’m lost in a myriad of posts regarding music and concerts and events and my own takes on them. I’m fond of particulars and I’m constantly praising the musicianship people have. I’m reading and writing these posts through the musician’s lens. I get what they feel. And I’m a bit aware of the work they put within it.
I’ve been struggling with defining myself because I’m not in the environment I wish to be defining myself. I’m trapped in the school system while I wish to be getting hands-on, creative experience in the studio, performing, or what have you. And here I sit, daydreaming about it all as I write about the ones who are actively living that lifestyle.
Albeit, I guess I do have a way with words. And writing has always been my first love. But music–man!-that’s another thing. It’s this mysterious little creature that just gets you. When words fail you and you can’t say what you feel, music is another beast that can let people feel things. Make you feel good, bad, angry, groovy, bluesy, angsty, loving… Music was my way to express myself when the passivity of writing just wasn’t enough.
You know, I frustrate myself a lot of the time. But I think that might be a part of the “plan”. Because, it’ll take me some real time and growth to really learn about everything and have confidence. That’s what life’s all about. Everything leading up to now happens for a reason–because it leads you to where you are now. And as long as I keep myself frustrated and sad and happy and gleeful and sometimes a little angry, it’s what pushes me. And that’s what’s important, I think. That’s what matters.
beauty within 
Growing up, we’re always told that “you need to graduate from college, so that you can get a good steady dependable job.” Then there’s the few people who will actually say that “college can get in the way of doing what you really want to do.” Of course there is also that middle ground of going to college in pursuit of the career that you are actually passionate about.
Do you fit in any of these scenarios? Or a better question is, are you in college for the right reasons?
The thing is that besides the three scenarios presented above, there’s also a fourth. Go to college to establish a backup plan, while still pursuing what you are really passionate about. However, these day and age, we are really passionate about a lot of things aren’t we? Not to mention there are only 24 hours in a single day, and we just do not have enough time to pursue it all. Frustrating…
It seems that writing and music are your passion. Which one are you really pursuing though? Could it be a combination of the two? Or is there another true inner *you* that really led to your love of writing and music? Could that be the key of what defines you?
Going through high school life, college life, work life, will build your character into what will eventually define who you are. Sometimes, what you think you should be, isn’t what you actually will be.
First off, thank you so much for reading and responding. I appreciate it very much.
Going into college, I had thought I was entering it in pursuit of my passions. But, as I’ve learned more and more about myself and college and the “real world” out there, I’m kind of figuring out that, maybe, I’m really just establishing a back-up plan for myself. I tell myself to stay in college to “be on the safe side.” That I’ll be writing professionally and doing music on the side. That’s what feels most realistic to me, and safe to say.
I’ve also thought long and hard about what really “defines” me (it’s a growing process, I’m sure, haha). When it comes down to it, I love connecting with others. And music and writing are what I’ve fallen in love with that have allowed me to reach out to others at the same time. (And it also gives me some of my own love in return.)
Albeit, in the end, love is what makes me happiest and wherever I find that, I will remain. But, as I’ve getting a tad bit older, I’ve realized that I’ve let go of a lot of “young” expectations I had had growing up. Whether it be finding my “prince charming” or catching those dreams of mine, I’ve found myself approaching it much more simply. I tell myself, “You’ll fall in love when you fall in love. It’ll just happen.” You can’t write character on the boy you fall in love with. Someone will just come along and you’ll have those feelings. Much like with dreams–I’ll be living it out in my daily life, working and working, and I’ll see myself accomplishing more and more. (But with any artist, satisfaction will be hard to find.) And before you know it, I’ll be doing what I had looked up to others doing when I was younger. But it would be much more stripped down, and I would’ve realized how taxing it was. How much work it was. But I’d be happy.
Hah, I got a little carried away there, but… I entirely agree with your saying, “Sometimes, what you think you should be, isn’t what you actually will be.” That thought has been something lingering over my mind for some time and, I always tell myself to have Faith in what will happen. That everything leading up to now, and all the events I go through in life, will bring me to who I’m supposed to be.
I’m not sure if you’ve heard this before, but I’ve often tried going throughout my life living by this motto: (yes, it’s from “A Walk to Remember”, don’t judge me! hahaha)
click —> http://instagram.com/p/baM__tSZ2u/
“Maybe God has a bigger plan for me than I had for myself.” Limiting yourself to boxed visions really only sets us up for disappointment, while letting ourselves carry ourselves out naturally can help alleviate that. It’s tough to accept, but… Sometimes, I’m may be too soft on myself, when I really should be taking my own life by the reins, and living for me.
* I’m sorry for the super long reply, haha. Feel free to write pages longer than me!
Not a long reply from me at all, but just wanted to say that I too am a fan of A Walk To Remember 🙂