I took psilocybin mushrooms, otherwise known as “magic mushrooms,” for the first time and decided to write about it here, for you.

First things first, I should preface by saying I have always been a skeptic my entire life. Blame it on the inner journalist in me, but before I would embark on anything new, I would do a deep dive into what I was putting into my body, first. It happened when I waited to drink alcohol for the first time at 21; smoked weed at 24; had an edible (and its undeniable bad trip) for the first time after; explored the benefits of cannabis and CBD oil in my daily life; and now, psilocybin mushrooms.

“Magic mushrooms are wild or cultivated mushrooms that contain psilocybin, a naturally-occurring psychoactive and hallucinogenic compound,” VeryWellMind states. “Psilocybin is considered one of the most well-known psychedelics, according to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administrations (SAMHSA).

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I’ve always been an advocate of everything natural. I strongly believe that everything we need is already inside of us — we just have to waken ourselves up to it. Call me a hippie, but the magic is in nature. The answers we seek have always been right in front of us. Just listen to it, and listen to yourself.

I’ve learned to really lean into my body this year. Seeing how your Mind and Body play such a pivotal role in how your Soul reacts has been such a big thing for me.

“You look at yourself through the lens of all your faults. I look at you through the lens of all your growth.”

Patty Knows Best

When my Body took a toll from grind culture, my Mind grew numb to it and the further I grew from what my Soul naturally craved. When I neglected to take care of my Body (sleep, exercise, nutrition), my Mind couldn’t operate its best and thus my Soul took a hit. It sounds simple, but it’s just about leaning into my Soul’s desire.

As a university graduate and typically well-adjusted person into this society, I’ve always learned to take a skeptical and logical approach to the world, knowing I was always highly spiritual and intuitive. (The hardcore journalists out there may know that’s not always the best approach to journalism; but there’s something to be said about following your intuition.)

I’ve always been attracted and drawn to the spirit world. I am a very sensitive, deep feeling and intuitive person. I approach the world with an internal approach, seeing how the things I do and actions I engage in react to my inner world.

Simply, the artist and musician in me felt so incredibly pulled by the feelings and emotions the written word and sound would emit in my heart. That’s something to pay attention to.

And so on that lazy Wednesday night, with all the time in the world and no prior obligations to be had, I found myself having a cozy night to myself in my apartment. I freely lit a candle, binged a movie, jammed on my guitar, and fully dove into whatever felt good to me. I invited my dear friend over, who shared some of her own micro-dosed chocolate shrooms with me, as I had my own baggie of shrooms another friend had gifted me.

“It’s time,” I said.

She went in with an empty stomach, while I had this massive hunger in me and cooked myself a full meal before she arrived. We both went in and took about 1g each (3 pieces of her chocolate amounted to about 1g, each piece being 0.33g), a small enough dose to feel something.

As she had already started to see some visuals in her mind, I wanted to get on her level.

I took a few pieces of the shrooms in my baggie — a small stem and a tiny cap (which I’ve learned stem = body high, cap = cerebral high), and ate it. The first things I felt were a body high. My body felt drunk and tipsy. I was giggling a lot. I was giggling at her. I sat up and felt my body slowly sway to the side like I had lost balance. “I just feel like I had one too many drinks,” I said.

She started to ask if I was seeing crazy visuals — colors more vibrant, shapes and lines in the room shifting and swaying. I noted none at all.

I realized that since I had eaten a full meal, I needed about one full gram to fight through the food. The next full gram would be the same to get on her level. So I decided to finish the rest of my bag.

While doing so, I had plugged in my Spotify into my living room and put the Her soundtrack on. One of my favorite things to do is feel safe and cozy at home, with a friend, and intensely listening to the music I loved.

Soon after, my mind got so lost in the music I loved. I found myself sitting on the couch across her, with my face dug deep into my own hands, listening intently to the soundtrack. The pulls of the strings; the lingering keys; the pulsating drums and harmonious instruments working in wonder to create this f**king masterpiece.

I had this overwhelming internal sensory feeling of overwhelm listening to the songs I loved, reflecting on the deep messages and reflections on life these songs brought up.

As I’m usually someone to cater to someone else’s presence — listening to her experience and what she was going through — I realized that my experience would be different from hers and I had to not let her experience influence my own. Her very active and imaginative mind made her feel like she was in a movie, seeing patterns and visuals in the sky; my deep feeling, intuitive self made my experience very internal, getting in touch with my emotional self. My heart and soul was dramatically affected by the music I was listening to, and it spoke to me on another level.

We started talking life, how everything we need is already inside of us, how life pulls us away from what we truly want, and how I’m saddened by how much she lets other people and the outside world affect her so much. “Life will always throw you every which way, but if you are secure in yourself to walk through this life, holding true to your own — your own jacket — you won’t let it phase you,” I remember vaguely monologuing to her. “The love you have for yourself will allow you to love others and hold space. Follow your inner compass, your true North,” we spoke. “Be safe and cozy with yourself.”

As my playlists changed, I fell back onto songs I loved from the past: Yuna’s breathy lullabies in her Chapters album; Nina Nesbitt’s life-changing The Sun Will Come Up, The Seasons Will Change album, which spoke so true to my existence; moments with Naomi Scott, songs of Kate Earl; the singer-songwriters I’ve always loved.

I fell into a deep music listening euphoria. My friend and I became so moved sharing this moment and reflecting on life together. For the first time in a long time she said she felt truly happy. Everything I had tried to tell and show her throughout the past year, she said she finally got and understood it. I was so f**king happy to hear that.

Next thing I knew, a few hours into the shrooms’ peak, my internal world had felt so much and was deeply moved by all the emotions of how beautiful music and this life is, that I sat up. I felt this internal stress of pent up emotions from the beauty of everything inside of me that I had to exert out. I sat up and started panting, exerting the emotions I had in me. My friend mentioned she felt the same, her mind making crazy realizations, her body tingling.

It was like a million mindgasms were happening, and our bodies were reacting to it.

I saw my body get into shock. My muscles clenched up, my hands felt “stuck,” and I was still moved by everything. Realizing what was happening, I said to myself, “Oh my god, this is the funniest thing ever.” I had a mindgasm: my mind was sex; the music was sex to me; and my body reacted.

It was “a physical manifestation of a spiritual experience” a friend noted to me later on. Everything that was pleasurable to me became heightened — music, mind, connection. Whatever you are most moved by on a soul level will give you mental pleasure. The sacredness of this experience to connect on a much deeper level is something so much more sacred than the physical.

“Everything we ever need we already have within ourselves. It’s in nature, it’s in ourselves. We don’t need anything, we don’t need to crave or search or find… it’s all within. We already have everything we need,” I wrote in my phone. “We are magic.”

It was a truly spiritual and moving experience. Like the song I had shared above, I’ve realized it’s important to keep this experience sacred. I had taken just the right amount to achieve this sort of experience that any more would have possibly made me detach from reality altogether.

For the first time in a long time, I feel like I’m finally leaning into myself. All the grind I’ve experienced these past years — navigating a new city, working endlessly with different jobs, learning to budget and support myself independently, lifting up my workplace team morale, dealing with different personalities while still holding my own and creating and holding space for loved ones, while staying emotionally balanced and creatively active — has been a lot. I find that I’ve been giving so much of myself to others for so long, that I haven’t really taken that chance to bet on myself.

It’s all a part of my process, which I’ve always had so much faith in. These “coming into my own” experiences inform my art, my writing, my music and movement throughout this world. And it’s time I take my time back and lean in.

Thank you Eddie for capturing my essence in the most beautiful way. It’s amazing to see myself finally reflected and captured on camera in a way that feels most true to me, for the first time, ever.

More on this soon. Be happy to share more. Let me know any thoughts, reactions, musings or experiences you may have had, too.

With love and honesty,

Rachel