“No regrets, baby, I just think that maybe
It’s natural when things lose their shine
So other things can glow
I’ve gotten older now, I know
How to take care of myself
I found a deeper well”
This is 31. My solar return. And boy, does it feel like I’m just returning to myself all over again.
Friday the 8th: A birthday eve dinner with friends and a sleepless flight to Utah
My birthday eve started with a Friday night dinner and drinks with my LA friends, those of whom have been with me throughout the tumultuous journey Los Angeles has been. I don’t know about you, but birthdays always give me a sense of anxiety, probably from a mix of uncertainty, excitement and nervousness. But with a cozy vegan Italian pasta-pizza eatery at Pura Vita in West Hollywood to drinks ’til 2am and a flight at LAX at 7am, you can bet the sleepless night caught up to me.
But there we were, my love and I awake at 6am in the morning going into our Uber after only 3 hours of sleep, on our way to the airport.
The 9th: A teary-eyed birthday morning of sightseeing and settling in
There was a stark moment after we arrived in Salt Lake City around 11am, after our flight was done and we unpacked our bags, my love had finally finished and posted his sweet birthday message to me on Instagram 🥹 and we were picking up our rental car that I opened my phone and read through my “buzz” of notifications — “happy birthday” messages from family, old high school and college friends, music friends from my Los Angeles area, and all who I feel I’ve lost touch with, which just hit me all at once.
Most notably, a note from Luna read, “Happy birthday Rachel! Hope you have a great day and weekend! Looks like you are in SLC, so have fun doing whatever you are doing with Alex! I’m glad you are super happy and seeing your relationship grow!” I just seemed to bawl into tears as Alex and I were approaching the rental car agent to pickup our car.
“These are happy tears,” I told myself, in case anyone was wondering why the girl with glasses and her luggage was tearing up in public. “I think crying in public should be normalized,” I told Alex. “Crying’s not always a bad thing and it’s a beautiful thing to see!”
As always, Alex just laughed and smiled at me, gave me a hug, which made my crying in public feel less pathetic with another to acknowledge it, haha.
But with my first and long-awaited trip to Utah came finally visiting Chef Viet Pham’s Pretty Bird Chicken (still sad we didn’t get to meet in-person after all these years) and a visit to Meg & Nick’s old coffee shop Three Pines Coffee. Then, we checked into our Airbnb to drop off our belongings and headed on a mini road trip to see the Bonneville Salt Flats by sunset.
Sunday the 10th: Park City snowmobiling and High West
We were blessed with gorgeous, sunny, post-rain weather all weekend across Salt Lake and Park City, as the weather was easy to drive and travel through. Sunday was our day to finally go into the snow and snowmobile in Park City and check out the downtown area and High West Distillery (when we were just friends, we bonded over how much we both loved High West’s campfire whiskey).
The High West Saloon experience will forever be one of my favorite experiences — mushroom calamari, wild mushroom & grits, and different whiskey cocktails. Oooof. (I made a reel here.)
And snowmobiling was felt straight out of a video game and was a treat to see their snowy mountain peaks in peace. (Video here.)
Monday the 11th: Travel and check-out day, visit to High School Musical’s East High
I didn’t realize how emotional I’d get seeing East High in person. I felt like a pre-teen girl again with her childhood rushing back at her. And thank you to my sweetest love Alex for realizing that East High was here in Salt Lake City, and making this little moment happen. 🥹
After re-learning the choreography just 10 minutes before we arrived and attempting to stay out of sight from the students and teachers walking around the high school (class was definitely in session), we arrived at 11am and I got a moment to dance(very awkwardly) and take a few photos right before their lunch bell went off. (Video of that shameless embarrassment here.)
With a goodbye stop at Grid City Beer Works, who makes a unique trio tasting of their beer served three-ways — a Honey Cream Ale served CO2 (classic style), Nitro (creamy frothy) and Cask (room temperature, British style) — it was cool to experience and finish our trip in. Plus, their fish & chips and brussel sprouts were the tastiest I’ve ever had. Something about these small towns that put more care into their food items, at a much nicer price than Los Angeles, just never disappoints.
As we arrived back in Los Angeles around 5pm, it was nice to settle back home and take in the smoggy Los Angeles air as the sun set. I definitely still miss the fresh air of Utah and the snow and cooler weather and outdoors, but it was lovely. And I have to thank my love for making it all happen with me.
A few days after arriving, my love asked if I wanted to go out and grab dinner and blow a birthday candle, just for ourselves, since we didn’t get to on my actual birthday (my favorite matcha crepe cake from Lady M, which we first discovered together as friends, and ramen).
I immediately went 🥺 because the entire weekend and trip already made my heart so full. But that sweet moment and act is why I love my love so much — he loves me in the way I’ve always wanted, and wanted to give back to others.
Turning 31 doesn’t really feel anything new.
When I turned 29 I truly felt my world changing and shattering as 30 became my “death to my 20s” and I grieved and thought about the ways in which we let go of our younger selves to usher in this new, realized self.
It’s crazy. It’s emotional. My “Saturn return” really is this deep meeting with your internal self and your inner child.
I grieve my younger self, who so carelessly left home to follow her dreams, be immersed in the music and be constantly inspired at 23, and be thrust into the “hustle and bustle” of Los Angeles and its entertainers and actors and musicians, all vying for something, when I was just a small-town girl who strove to tell her story while telling the stories of others, all while holding true to her own and finding massive joy in the people she’s met, the personalities she’s encountered, the communities she’s been a part of, and the people that have come and went.
It’s wild. Now I just seem to seek and crave stillness, calmness, gentleness (as I always have), as I miss that little girl even more — that girl who created with a sense of no worries or no pending doom of surviving looming over her head. Just freeness and softness.
The world makes us harder the older we get, and I strive to always keep the light in my eyes and keep my free-spirit alive as much as I can. Even when it gets tough. Because anything else would feel a disservice my truest self.
How crazy that I was borne into this world in this way. Ha, but maybe it can all still be for a reason if I keep on keeping on.
With love and honesty,
Rachel
beauty within 