Life used to always be this big endless hustle-and-grind for a feeling of safety, sanity and belonging in a life I endlessly searched for myself in.

Maybe that search isn’t over, and maybe I’m still trying to find myself, through all the lost songs and writing and new and old jobs and relationships I’ve held so dear to my heart.

Living life itself has inspired me in more ways than when I’ve tried to find meaning through what I do, how I do it, and what I put out. “The urge to be significant,” as they say.

And so I’m cruising.

I trust that everything falls into place when you can just cruise, flow, and be. It’s like this fountain that always gives back when you show up as your most real, authentic and human self.

And it helps when you can take yourself and your life a little less seriously.

“Your community will find you as long as you stay authentic to yourself at every step of your growth.”

It’s been two months into the new year and, as I had set my hopes on finding clarity through my work and purpose and passion — as well as finishing unfinished projects — my sights are still a bit hazy.

I do my best to take care of myself in the meantime — I self-soothe, self-love, exercise, eat well, and maintain a generally low-stress lifestyle. And yet, it’s here where I fear I can grow comfortable: in the utter bliss of safety and security, away from the world.

I’ve always been an ambitious and opportunistic person, chasing opportunities and eager to build relationships with those I resonate and align with. I tend to give every opportunity my 100% — to the point of sheer burnout, where I spend just as much time recovering, healing, and recalibrating myself from it, or I spend too much time in a job that just takes me more and more away from myself.

I also tend to take pride in myself and deeply value the work I put out. I always operate out of a place of love and curiosity, but it was only until I began to feel the pangs of living in “la la land” where my creative funnel diminished due to my mere attempts to simply survive.

And so, I tell myself I have to get a little creative. I seek out resources, research, mentors. I look up courses to sharpen my skills. I get back to the drawing board and become a student again (and I’ve always been eager to learn), only this time, I’m about 10 years older with much more experience managing people, relationships, personalities and industries of all kinds, all while holding my own.

I’ve always known myself, but I never quite took myself and my talent seriously enough to pave my own way, in my own name, to see any realized results.

So what’s next, do you ask?

I’m 30. Music and writing have always been so central to my life and my story and have become ingrained in everything I do. I write with musicality. I move through this world to a certain rhythm. I hear and feel all the emotions. And I’m careful to resist anything that disrupts my natural flow. I navigate and write my way through all the ebbs-and-flows life presents me. And I know it’ll get me somewhere.

“You have all the permission in the world to be as big and bold as you want, and you should take up all the space you can until you can’t anymore.”

With some focused direction, motivation, and a sense of ease, I can write and play like I’ve always known how to. I just think conviction is key.

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A post shared by Rachel Ann Cauilan (@rachelcansea)

With love and honesty,

Rachel