I’m more than six months late to this, but better late than never, ya?
My life has taken quite the turn since the last time I’ve written on here. During the post-pandemic era and my late 20s, I was making a lot of shifts and changes: I left constantly going to shows and being an avid music journalist; I left my barista life; I played music with Kaitlyn in Rue the band, but took a bit of a hiatus as of late; I worked new jobs and random jobs; I fell in love and have been going 3 years strong; my love moved in with me this year; and I started working as a background actor again and met and made so many new friends from it.
I constantly feel a shift towards progress.
This past year has been a lot. I’ve been happier, fuller, more content and busy, as compared to prior years of unfulfilling jobs and burnout. There’s something about being in your 30s where everything just “clicks.” You aren’t taken by surprise anymore, and you’ve learned to go through all the ebbs and flows that life throws at you. You also feel the need to take a chance and bet on yourself. You’ve spent a majority of your life unpacking the minds and connecting with respected, revered artists and musicians who constantly tell you, “You’ve got it,” or, “Listen to that thing that just feels right to you” (cue that trip to Albuquerque with Incubus?!). You’re just… existing. You’re flowing. You’re living life and happy (as can be) with where you’ve been and how far you’ve come.
Presence really is everything.
I turned 32 this past March and, unsurprisingly, nothing feels too drastically different. At 29 I felt my world changing and shattering, even as I was having the most fun in my life, leaning into myself and cultivating a great, full, artistic, social life; at 30 I was in love, craving stillness and settling into my new relationship and “growing pains”; and at 31 I felt like my “thirties” had arrived. I know who I am and “lived a lot of lives,” and had lots of experiences that have informed me and my existence, my boundaries, relationships and friend circles.
32 feels like I’ve settled in just fine, leaving those “messy twenties” behind and years of finding myself. I’ve grown confident and secure. I’m here. And yeah, I have fears of whether or not I need to freeze my eggs or not as the reality of growing older is real, but I’m always living as authentically as myself in this day and age, wherever my writing, word, photography or musical ventures take me.
I rang in my new year this past March with friends in Los Angeles. I didn’t feel like doing anything too big, as birthdays tend to give me anxiety. The years prior I visited home in the Bay, to Utah and Salt Lake City, and Sedona in January. This year I enjoyed a nice day at the spa at Glen Ivy with my love, getting mud baths and mineral baths, and finished it off with AYCE sushi and a paint & sip session. The day of I had afternoon high tea with friends and a wine bar in Pasadena afterwards, and went the next day on Monday to BNP Paribas Open to catch some tennis at Indian Wells.
In the weeks prior, my Mom came to visit and I spent a week going around “Hollyweird” studio shows with her, to a Lakers vs. Mavericks game to see Luka and Klay. I spent weekends going to Disneyland with my set friends Brooke & Danielle, to Kyle & Jon, to Alex and family, and rang in a witches’ night with Kaitlyn and friends. I also flew to Santa Rosa for the first time late May to work on a documentary project as a featured background actor, which was a sweet way to work and be a part of something I can’t wait to see! It’s also always so fun to work with fellow actor friends on shows and commercial projects, as they make my work days go by that much sweeter.
The older I get, the more I realize how important community is.
As someone who’s always been an introvert and “lone soul” at heart, I’ve loved feeling and staying connected. It’s nice to find people on your journey with you — who get you, inspire you, offer you a different perspective, are going through similar changes or phases, or are simply good energy to be around. Life is short and these moments are always fleeting, so I want to soak these moments up and enjoy the present as much as I can (and of course, preserve my own sacred energy and time as well).
Late into the spring and early summer, I enjoyed a day at the Renaissance Pleasure Faire (channeling A Knight’s Tale and “Golden Years”) for the first time with friends, and then celebrated my love’s parents’ 50 year anniversary, which was a nice winery getaway spent with his family. As summer came, I flew home for a week in the Bay to spend time with my family and Mom for Mother’s Day, enjoying sweet, slow days at home before a potential summer job would take me away. And later in July, my little cousin got married and I got to reunite over sweet childhood memories at home with my family.
More recently, I’ve spent my entire summer working day-in and day-out from sunrise to sunset at Warner Bros. Studios, which has been the most steady, “full-time” job I’ve had, and also the most gratifying experience as an “actor” (though I am reluctant to even call myself that) I’ve had. There’s lots more I could share from this, but I’ve had such a uniquely positive experience working on this show, and I can’t wait to share more once the time comes.
As we are approaching the fall and winter months, it’s insane to realize how much time has passed and what a year I’ve had. After years of feeling a bit lost and directionless, having lost my initial drive for playing and creating music after being so heavily-involved in it for 15+ years (more on that later), it’s nice to lean into something I’ve always been interested in, but never quite took myself seriously in (and seriously still struggle to). Hollyweird and “LA things” have honestly grown old to me, as I’ve been around all of this for so long, but I’m just in this for the ride. It’s been incredibly gratifying to work on these projects, as well as meet other talented folks doing amazing things in this “la la land” of Hollyweird and hear their stories of how they got to where they are today (maybe call it the forever journalist inside of me, always curious about the human experience).
I know it’s just time for me to put stuff out. I’ve always thought of myself as someone with so much untapped potential — and still do — as people all my life have come my way and “seen something in me.” There are blockages I seem to be always working through, as I “go with the flow” and haven’t taken those steps to really elevate, refine, and “uplift myself.” Whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing, I am happy for the person I’ve been and grown into, for having an awareness of herself and others, for leading with kindness and gratitude in all aspects of her life, and for always trying to self-improve while honoring all her mistakes and setbacks.
It’s cultivating a gentleness to the human spirit, which I only hope we all can honor and tap into (especially as we approach these wild and changing times in humanity). Sometimes, it’s in the way you actively live and approach and show up to your life that really matters.
So what does life look for me in the coming year/s? The truth is, I’m getting older. I’ve always only ever vowed to myself to keep following my truth, stay the course, and do everything that feels right in my own human spirit to constantly push for authenticity, truth, and my “wild woman” self. Whatever way that manifests through my art, writing or word, I will feel happy and satisfied.
A girl I met on set today was telling me how music theory is like learning how to annotate/POS tag sentences. It’s something everyone can learn to do, but no one can teach you how to play with originality, creativity, your own voice, feeling, or soul.
I’ll write more soon, but I’m happy to report I’ve been doing pretty well. I’m happy, full, and still striving for more (as we always should). I just hope to still continue to etch at the goals I see and make for myself (and make a comfortable living), as well as continue to be grateful for the life, people, and communities that fill me up.
Those are the things that really matter at the end of the day, ya?
Keep living your truth. Put your truth out there for the world to see, hear, and feel.
This song “Yours” by maye has been taking up my headspace lately, so have a listen below:
With love and honesty,
beauty within 