Sometimes, you just wanna get up and pack up your belongings and go.
It’s been a long time coming since I’ve made or shared a new vlog with you, and I have to say, I’ve missed it.
I’ve always been a little wanderer and I’ve missed the feeling of exploring a new city and asking random passersby, “Do you mind taking a photo for me?” only to engage in some of the most human moments and conversations.
About a week ago, in the midst of a retrograde, Halloween and election anxiety, I was exhausted. I had been a bit overworked, out of sorts and socially exhausted, being careful with my energy and mentally trying to figure out what it is I want to do next — what my purpose is.
It’s taken me so long to get to this point in my life (I Don’t Chase, I Attract) where I feel mentally and emotionally strong, able, confident and the most financially “stable” and sure of myself I have ever been in my young adult life. It’s true when they say your twenties are some of your most exciting yet trying years, and I feel mine have been a process of growing more and more into my own. (I’ve moved six times since leaving home in the past three years. Would you believe it’s only now, two months into my new place, where I finally feel I’ve settled into a place to call my own?)
The first chance I could get, I decided to make a getaway for a mini staycation in San Diego since it was the first weekend I’ve had off in ages. I’ve missed being that spontaneous and getting up and being a little solo traveler in a new city. A part of me had been itching for a new environment, as I had been working and grinding and settling into my new home and routine since moving two months ago.
So I packed my belongings into my car, asked my dear friend since high school if I could stay and visit, and off I went…
Apart from working and living through these wild times, it’s been really comforting to get into my groove again in LA. I’ve been making music with my insanely talented singer friend Kaitlyn, which has turned into many late nights, some drunken nights, lots of terrible movies and talks on self-care, feeling your feelings, and just… being creatively inspired.
One night, after many nights of dissecting and learning more and more about each other, she told me, “You inspire me.”
All I could do was pout, say “Aww” and make this face 🥺 way too many times.
“You’re just so confident and comfortable with yourself. You’re not afraid to struggle. You’re resilient. You see the best in things but you’re not blind to negativity,” she listed off. “I feel like you really value your self-care and time and boundaries.”
“Confidence is quiet. Insecurities are loud,” she continued.
I’m that “girl next door,” but also incredibly “deep and complex,” she noted And I couldn’t help but say thank you, many many times, because I’ve never felt so seen! There’s something so powerful about that. And what she said stuck with me, and still sticks with me and warms my heart.
That’s what friendship and lifting each other up should look like. Our friends should help us see and believe in our own power. And I am so grateful for that and to be a light in return. 🥺
I have to say, I have been feeling incredibly in my power. Albeit, as time has gone on and I’ve settled into the constant changes and moves I had gone through this past year (the end of a lease in June, moving back home, moving back to LA in the fall, all while dealing with a pandemic, abandoned roommate, court cases, stress of finding a new place, negotiating work, friends, family, etc.), I’ve been asking myself, “What’s my next move?”
What is it I want to do with my work? What content do I want to put out? What do I want to be writing, creating, playing? What kind of projects do I want to invest my time in? And how can I be realistic about it all, while still supporting myself with my job and tending to my health, time and energy?
I’ve gotten into a good routine. I feel balanced. I feel more open and receptive to new people and opportunities. And I’m at a crossroads. I have the choice and free will to get up and go do whatever it is I desire (it’s just about letting go of my indecision and making a choice and committing to it, tbh, haha). And it’s really about leaning into my power. I’ve been taking it easy on myself, doing the little things I can, doing more and more of what I love everyday, just to get into the right frame of mind, but…
I trust my intuition. I trust it will come.
Besides all of that, these past few months have been good to me. I’ve hit a year at my workplace, and it’s been a good thing that it doesn’t stress me out, keeps me financially stable, and I can find some enjoyment in it while talking to people on the daily, training all these newbies and posting fun stuff to social media. I’ve reconnected with my friends: a heart-to-heart with Angela, the “sister I never had” 👯♀️ whose year spent in the Chad will never be forgotten; gallivanting with Kirbs over sushi and smokes (as he notes to me, “People are attracted to happy, confident people”); feeling like no time had passed with Cyril/my other half 🌙; wining and dining and talking about my mom and family and growing and glowing up with Alex, because I’ve realized just how much we truly get each other 🍷; how Ru reminds me of all I’ve ever wanted and deserved, and the free-flowing creative energy that should just “flow” apart from the mental blocks we put in front of ourselves (and how he loves my energy, and how I always deserve a car wash lol 🧼); and how an election ballot turned into the most fun little coffee dog hang with a coworker.
Customers have been so kind as well, as an old customer I haven’t seen since before pandemic stopped by and said I lost weight (thank god for self-care vacays, resetting and doing what’s best for you, because what goes on inside shows outside!). Dom also gifted me Meg Frampton’s newest “Write your own Chandler” at work which was super sweet, and a regular gave me a lavender candle as a new housewarming lol, and let’s not forget the serendipitous Ru.
It’s funny how when you’re totally in line with yourself, people suddenly start entering the floodgates and want to be a part of your life again.
“I don’t know, there’s just so much bad shit in this world. She makes me want to be different. Better.”
— Landon Carter on Jamie Sullivan (A Walk To Remember)
It’s flattering, and a testament to how much inner work I’ve done to cultivate this sense of peace within myself. I am all about knowing yourself, taking care of yourself, enjoying and having a healthy relationship with food, your body, while also getting sun, exercise, and mentally and emotionally stimulating yourself and bringing yourself and your feelings to peace. (I am no guru, but I’m happy to help my friends.)
“With wellness, we can heal ourselves. We just need to understand and have a greater sense of self-awareness in order to do so.”
I strongly strongly believe in that, because I feel when we’re operating at our highest potentials and selves, we are our most carefree, selfless selves, able to bring our best selves into our projects, work, spaces, relationships and environments… and it all starts with cultivating a powerful You, and I will always always always vouch for that, especially in these times when everyone is being forced to be with themselves a little more than they’re comfortable with!
Other highlights? The Bachelorette is back and I’ve been happy to join the bandwagon of many wine nights, podcasts, recap videos and all of Bachelor Nation chiming in as I suck it all up. My daily walks, podcast sessions and rounds at the reservoir have been absolutely therapeutic. On The Rocks and Emily In Paris are cute, and Baby is a total mood. 365 Days is legit porno that should never be seen, while Only Lovers Left Alive is a total vibe that totally influenced the introduction of Rue with our first release of “Funnel Of Love”.
It’s been quite a 2020, but I have to say, with all the moves and external forces and changes happening around me, there has been a theme for me of being a rock. Still, strong, silent, withstanding the storms while chaos erupts and all my friends lean to me for guidance, support, or an ear… I am someone who is very sensitive to energy and take major care of tending to myself and my emotions that, had it not been for the years prior of dealing with my own weaknesses, insecurities and spiraling indecision (and tbh navigating living on my own), I wouldn’t be as strong and capable to have handled this year as I had.
I, for the most part, have been good. There’s some sort of freeing energy when you are able to cultivate healthy, abundant mindsets, rework your relationships and views about money, work, career, and let go of your ego to “prove yourself.”
You can just be. Just as I’ve said many times before in previous blogs that “I just don’t care anymore,” it really is that.
When you don’t care, you’re not worried about what people may think of you, what uncertainties life may bring you, or whatever changes or challenges may come up.
Life’s a damn rollercoaster, and you’re riding along with it! But you make a point to have fun, enjoy it, and cultivate and grow the things you want to make a part of it.
I can’t wait to see whatever it is I bring y’all next.
And thank you, forever and ever, for always supporting, encouraging, sending me kind messages on my blogs, writing, and videos over the years, and just… always believing. It’s that genuine support and love that I never take for granted.
Timeline: First half in SD; second verse starts with my drive and move down to LA with the help of my brother for a weekend, to all the sweet moments with friends.
With love and honesty, always,
“You move differently when you understand your power.”