Beginnings

When one thing ends, another begins, and that’s what this past January has felt like.

With the new year comes a desire for change: the washing over of past hurt, troubles or insecurities; the desire to incorporate new routines and lifestyles; and also the desire to have a little more self-love and let go of anything that drains you.

As 2017 closed, I was ready to tie up loose ends and prepare for something new.

  • My time with Kore Asian Media has been one of the most fulfilling and eye-opening experiences I’ve had to date, but there comes a point when you realize you’ve given it your all. I finished up some of my last few interviews with amazing musicians and artists, and even had the time of my life with one last phone date with my favorite Disney Channel star, actress and newest inspiration Lilan Bowden (“Bowden Breaks Through With Disney’s ‘Andi Mack'”).
  • I incorporated more time for the beach, running, health and myself. As someone who’s always been a bit of a workaholic, I’ve made it my mission to have more of a work-life balance. I’ve long believed that to give and be your best self, you must take care of yourself.
  • When you go through life and all its experiences, what does it mean when you have no one to share those successes with? Simply put: Make time for the ones you love. Make those real connections. Those are the ones we are here for, in the end.

https://twitter.com/rachelannc/status/956498104970194944

I spent the month reconnecting with friends, loved ones and actively made time to slow down and care for myself, as well as make the time to reach out to others (and perhaps “break up” with one who was ready to give me the world, and I had to say no for myself).

An old colleague reminded me how much I love producing live events just by being back at a UCI Volleyball game — and that same colleague made my dreams of attending NAMM come true (the musician’s heaven!). I was invited out to the Upright Citizens Brigade (UCB) theatre, supporting not only local Asian American talent but also the home to my favorite Lilan Bowden. I took time to develop a healthy routine for myself and save money by spending less and only going out when I had free tickets, parking, or a friend to treat me out.

First day of NAMM got me feeling like ____! 🤯 I almost feel like an imposter being here because NAMM has always been an exclusive DREAM show for those in the music industry who, I feel, are “legit” or have “made it.” Ty to old colleagues who are always looking out for you. I’ve so much to learn when it comes to music production, but SUCH a dream to meet so many amazing new musicians and friends who are sponsored by such great brands… and it’s only day one?! Who else will be at NAMM this weekend? 🎸🎵 . @thenammshow #namm #nammshow #nammshow2018 #nammanaheim #anaheim #anaheimconventioncenter #musicheaven #musicshow #musicexpo #fender #fenderguitars #fenderguitar #tele #fendertele #showcase #guitars #guitarshow #guitarnerds #geekheaven #pinchme

A post shared by Rachel Ann Cauilan (@rachelcansea) on

As a friend told me, “You’ve come a long way in seven months. Seven months is such a short period of time.”

I explained to him how when I look at the past six months since my move in hindsight, I feel like I was crazy. (I was emotional, I was lost, I felt stir-crazy alone and isolated, I wanted to lean on someone who couldn’t give me his love, I searched for love in the wrong places, I stressed myself out for unnecessary reasons… The list goes on and on!)

But when he asked me what it is I loved about my interview with Lilan, he said: “I’m sure she had the same struggles and thoughts and doubts that you had.” And to that, I realized just how much time I have; just how early it is for me; and just how great it is for me to be realizing these strange pulls of inspiration towards one thing and away from another.

These past few weeks reminded me just how much I feel like I finally belong. Running into new and old friends at NAMM, making new ones, befriending the very musicians who I’ve interviewed, coming full circle to all these events, to even artists and celebrities reaching out to me, seeing me, knowing me, recognizing me… I’m here. Let me just take a moment to realize that, respect it and acknowledge it.

As much as I’ve loved interviewing and writing (and as much as I will never stop that), there’s a reason the artist in me has always had this strange pull. “You have all these feelings and emotions in you,” my best friend once said. “Create!”

The song “Someone” by Anna of the North has been a new discovery that has stuck with me. It’s a warm electro-pop anthem that makes you feel the pure joy of seeing snowflakes for the first time all over again… And to be very frank: “I don’t need to find another lover / I just need someone who understands me”

I’m only human, baby
Sometimes act a little crazy (No, I’m not the only one)
I’m only human, baby
Need someone to come and save me

To moving on, making time for love, others and more gratitude. And to laughing endlessly.

I finally feel like I’m starting to belong.

With love and honesty,

Rachel


View my past video blogs below:
One Sky, Six Months
Looking For You, Five Months In
Quarter Month Crisis
Third Month’s the Charm
I Adjusted Month Two
I Survived One Month

5 responses to “Beginnings

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