Quarter Month Crisis

I don’t think I was ready for everything that was to come.

(But in truth, are we ever ready for anything?)

A few days in to October, I was told I needed to move out of my temporary living situation by the end of the month. I scrambled to find a new place. I planned a visit back home. I missed home all over again. I raced city to city on sleepless nights, midnight drives and longer work days with friends saying, “I can’t even keep up with you!”

It’s funny how once you feel like you’re starting to settle in, you can be forced to start over again — to readjust to a new city, new town and make a new home for yourself.

This is the first time I've been home in what seems like the entire summer. In the past 4 months, I've gone through feelings of loss, confusion, utter loneliness, feeling broke, without a home, family or loved one to run to. Even though these long solo drives can be dreadful (and lonely), they can be freeing. Liberating. You and the open road. Your music. Your thoughts. . It was an unexpected turn of the night when I got last minute press tickets and made it straight to @foxoakland for @ohwondermusic before home. Nothing but love. It's always nice running into familiar faces and feeling some sort of vibe in you I can't find anywhere else… What a perfect homecoming. 🛣 . 🎵 "Wicked Games" (Chris Isaak Cover / Boehm Remix) by James Vincent McMorrow (@jamesvmcmorrow). 📍 Los Angeles to Oakland, CA. . #latothebay #openroad #roadtrip #driving #solotrip #getaway #drive #carride #home #oakland #foxtheater #ohwonder #wickedgames #chrisisaak #boehm #jamesvincentmcmorrow #losangeles #eastbay #thursday #aboutlastnight #rachelannc #vlog #homecoming #rachelshomecoming

A post shared by Rachel Ann Cauilan (@rachelcansea) on

Four months is a good checkpoint to see where you’re at. I forced myself to have conversations with myself regarding my heart, soul, career and overall state of happiness — and as someone who used to be full of so much love, that love can be hard to find when you force change upon yourself (and sometimes question why you’re forcing that change in the first place).

To be honest: I had numerous days of feeling sad, upset, unsettled and uneasy. Those feelings have taken a more apparent place in my life than normal as every day seemed to turn into a question of worry of what I’m going to do, where I’m going to be, and when am I going to feel safe, secure and relaxed. I craved comfort; I craved connection; I craved a friend when most days I woke up to an empty house and returned to an empty one.

But the one mantra that got me through was: “I know this is all just temporary.”

Home is never a far place to runaway to. (A dear friend once told me, you can never put a price on going home.) My twenties are meant to be lived and explored, to try, discover, fail and rebound from new things. Everyone’s journey is unique and if I allow myself the patience to grow, the right things will come to me at the right time. I’ve learned to let go of the smaller worries and focus on the bigger picture, because even though the everyday may be difficult and I question why I put this stress onto myself, I must respect my journey, pace and the timing of my life.

Work a little harder everyday. Love a little more, smile a little more, spend your energy wisely, learn to say “No” and “Yes” to yourself and treat yourself well.

This past month was the perfect reminder for change. Things can only look up when you allow positive people and positive thoughts to enter your life.

I trust that this is where I’m meant to be at this point in my life. And if I don’t like it? I have to create my own change. The gears are shifting.

Let’s go.

With love and honesty,

Rachel


View my past video blogs below:
Third Month’s the Charm
I Adjusted Month Two
I Survived One Month

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