Happy, Hopeful and In My Feels

November: coming into my own, growing, learning, trusting, having faith, being kinder and more honest to myself and others

🍁🍂✨

I feel as if I have no words for this past month (which, in truth, would be a lie). Any feeling, happy or not, can be translated into word… It just seems that the more painful they are, the easier they are to write; and the happier those feelings are, the more content I am to live my life and less inclined to dwell on those feelings.

I’ve definitely learned a lot within the past year: about myself, managing and handling my feelings, learning to go through the many ups and downs and tides of everyday life (and setting up my own budget sheet, yee!), and how to handle other people, relationships and friendships while still holding out for my own.

Who I am today versus who I was one year ago is incredibly different — not to say I don’t recognize that girl, but I just see her and see how elated and riding on air she was. She was a bit naive and hopelessly optimistic, and the journey to finding hold of my own emotions took a long damn time. I finally feel at peace and as if I am stepping into my own power.

It’s true: who and what you surround yourself with has a huge impact. As introverted and quiet as I may be, I’ve had to learn to put myself out there more (while still being conscious of how much of myself I give out, i.e. been spending a lot more time to myself, listening to myself and taking care to listen to my inner Libra moon’s need for harmony and balance — because without that sense of inner harmony, I feel crazy!).

But, I’ve realized just how great and exciting it is to be surrounded by the people I’ve been blessed by to come into my life. Their energy is felt. We thrive off that shared energy and connection. And for that I am grateful.

  • From helping P.A. on set for four days earlier this month with my Fil-Am Creative friends and second family down here in LA. Not only am I always inspired by your hard work and ethic, it’s nice to have a second family of talented filmmakers who I can always find a “home” with (and help out in any way I can).
  • Manhattan Beach drives and days spent lazing under your sun. You steal my heart every time.
  • The humble park I wander to almost every day, enjoying your sun, breezy air and well-groomed grass. You keep my love of running in the outdoors alive.
  • Anna of the North, you were a delight to meet and your dreamy, atmospheric music with soul-baring lyrics have taken over my earbuds all month.
  • Dear Evan Hansen, you brought my inner High School Musical geek out, reminding me of my simple love of music, theater, young love and feeling like an outsider (and Alex, I am so humbled by your friendship, support and kind words, always).
  • From Manila’s Jess Connelly to Milo Greene (the first band I ever interviewed almost 5 years ago at UCI, being UCI alum themselves, and have been listening to for almost 6 years, whose music has also become the soundtrack to my young adulthood), I am always humbled by the invite. And it’s even better when I can enjoy a show with friends without having to do work.
  • Rozzi, Rozzi, Rozzi, I have no words! That was one hell of a show, but I am also so stoked to be a part of the “Rozzi fan crew” (because you’re right, whoever’s a fan of you must be pretty dope!). Glad I got to setup a photoshoot and interview feature with you… but the best part? Seeing old friends and Rozzi fans and hanging out with the talented and sexy-looking band you had! From meeting Brandon to running into Camilla by chance again, to the ever-so-talented Korey, Nick and Kenton… That was a fun night for the third show in a row. I always wonder why I’m always drawn to hanging with you musician folk. (Oh, and two matchas to keep me wired ’til 3am and a parking ticket were all worth it.)
  • My last interview before the holiday break was with my latest musical obsession, Australia’s very own Didirri, and I am so so humbled to have shared such a private, intimate conversation with you during your brief stay in Los Angeles! You played a show to a room of less than 20 yet you’ve been selling out 4,000+ seaters in Australia. Your new friendship and your moody, raw, heart-aching music will always stay with me. In “Formaldehyde.” ❤
  • From the Thanksgiving road trip with Angela, thousands of miles on the road and a home to always return to, somehow spending lots of time with family and old Kariktan Dance friends (because hell, we’ve all grown up together and we always seem to see each other on my visits home), it’s so nice to catch up and see where we’ve all gone (i.e. Jonathan, always another brother, and Marlo, your words of faith in me and seeing and following my LA adventures and doing me and my music, much appreciated!). From the loads of family meals, time with my momma, peace of mind, fresh wintry Bay Area weather and woods and the solace of home, thank you for always being my place of peace and refuge.
  • Cyril, I love our days of roaming around continually feeling “young and reckless” to wondering what the hell are we doing with our lives. Your friendship, laughs and tagging along to my routine coffee shop work visits and eats are all very much appreciated (it’s also nice dissecting the highly entertaining nights and times I have with you, lmao).
  • To KEB, you always remind me of the power and potential we all have and how powerful we are when we have a community of friends and a family who truly support each other. I love the artists and tribe of women you’ve cultivated and introduced to me (and rooted in music). It’s been a fun ride thus far — and I can’t wait to see what the future holds for us.
  • I am absolutely humbled and thankful to have run into you the few times I have at gigs and to celebrate your birthnight at a cozy hang, Camilla. From the minty toothpicks to vegan gf lemon tea cakes, you’re seriously a badass bass player and womynspiration to me. I’m so glad to hang because just witnessing your life has caused me to remember my own power and love of life, music and the simple moments. You’ve good people around you and I feel honored (and maybe even “overstayed my welcome” lol) to have had such intimate hangs with you and your besties (and my “heavyweight” gotta have that Asian love yo, lol).

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Morning after grainy cell phone selfies. 🌹 It’s been a wonderful past few days welcoming in a new month, new season and time ahead. With the many changes I’ve gone through this year, I’ve wanted to feel a sense of peace and complete trust & faith in this unraveling journey of mine for SO long. I’ve met some wonderful souls and am beginning to feel much more at home here. I’ve learned to be more selfish with my time and energy, and exert myself into the things, time and people that truly energize me… I could go on and on about this but I’ll stop before this becomes a blog post (which will come lol). But, sending you lots of love and well wishes to power through whatever it is you’re going through. And also, this is my utmost thanks for welcoming lonely little me into your lives, as well. Really means the world ✨ #shamelessselfie #selfie #thoughtoftheday #red #mood #🔴 #aboutlastnight #december #holidayseason #sundayvibes #libramoon

A post shared by Rachel Ann Cauilan (@rachelcansea) on

It’s been a wonderful journey and, as the year is soon coming to a close, it’s always a fitting time to reflect on the year, the changes in our lives, the progress we’ve made, but to also realize that life is happening now. Enjoy it now, live it now, do what you want now and progress, progress, progress!

I’m pretty damn happy. And hopeful. And yes, I’ve got a lot of s**t to figure out on my plate (a move, a job, my financial situation, etc.), but all that can be done! At the end of the day, I feel love and warmth and I feel in control. As I can only control myself and my reactions and feelings… I will just put my best out there. 🙂

It’s been fun. November, you got me in my feeeels! ❤

I remember how it felt so good with you
Now I’m feeling like a shadow in the room
Feels like, feels like we’re lost in the dark now
Now that we’re drifting apart

P.S. I think the hardest thing I’ve had to grapple with these past few months is me finding people I really and truly resonate with. As an artist, musician and “emo” creative with a big heart, I’ve always found it a little difficult for me to really feel “at home” and energized from the people and relationships in my life. I’ve only known that I feel most alive and in my element when I am actively engaging in music. Finding people who resonate and vibrate on the same wavelength has been difficult when I feel like the only person in my circle riding this boat… but I finally feel like I’ve been finding that and those people. I’m leaning into that. And into them. And it feels good (eee!).

With love and honesty,

Rachel


View my past video blogs below:
Through Thick And Thin 10/2018
The Last Hurrah 9/2018
Breaking Down to Break Through 9/2018
You Get What You Give 8/2018
Summer Daze 8/2018
Back To You and Hometown Takeaways 7/2018
Young, Reckless and Loving It 6/2018
In A New Light 5/2018
Wandering 5/2018
You Give Me That Wicked Love 4/2018
Rediscovered 3/2018
Twentyfive 3/9/2018
Forever On The Road 2/2018
Beginnings 1/2018
One Sky, Six Months 12/2017
Looking For You, Five Months In 11/2017
Quarter Month Crisis 10/2017
Third Month’s the Charm 9/2017
I Adjusted Month Two 8/2017 
I Survived One Month 7/2017
One Week Out 6/2017

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