Two Years Later and Summer Beginnings

Two years and 24 blog posts later. Wow.

I’ve gone through a lot in the past two years — and it seems as if those years have flown by right before my eyes. Who I was two years ago (before I moved, before I packed all my bags to start a new life for myself in LA) is incredible to see.

It all seems like a movie: a lone girl follows her dreams by packing her bags and her guitar into her car to set for a new life for herself in the big city.

It was all so new and exciting in the beginning. So many new people, friends, opportunities. And so much access to events, open mics, meets and live music. The possibilities were endless.

But I was also met with a lot of sadness, loneliness, confusion and coming to terms with the fact I had no solid friends out here. No relations, no family. And as a human, connection is so important — even just in the fact of waking up and knowing there’s another body in the room, that you can say hi to, and that someone’s looking out for you.

It was a massively uncomfortable and confusing period, but the past two years of growth forced a lot onto me.

You realize you only have yourself and your thoughts to look after. Trying to make content, trying to keep following your dreams, trying to stay focused and passionate all becomes so difficult when you’re living in perhaps the darkest period of your life. “Keep doing the music,” they say. But how can I when my head’s a mess? When you want to feel a little safety, security and connection?

When you’re living in the most difficult, and perhaps darkest, period in your life, you don’t even know you’re living in it. And it almost feels as if you’re gasping for air, reaching out, trying to find some sort of human connection, reason, and relation to something, or someone.

“All this struggle, but for what reason?” I would tell myself. My life back home in the Bay is so peaceful. I have the space and time to be free and to be me. Money isn’t so much an issue, having a home and people to fall back on is never an issue, and I’m living in peace. Happily strumming my guitar along, making music, writing about the things I love and want…

But in these past two years, I’ve been met with insane opportunities for work — meeting with celebrities and top Hollywood talent, working with them in photo shoots, interviews, catching all the shows and concerts on the daily, racking up to 100+ shows in a year, with countless blog posts and articles, concert coverages, and even diving into photography by borrowing friends’ cameras and learning how to shoot and cover live events (it wasn’t even my desire to do so, but as I wrote and wrote, I realized I needed photos to go along with every recap I did; and I learned a lot, and had fun doing it).

All of this allowed me to come to terms with what I really want.

While I thought my sheer desire, passion and willingness to work for my dreams would be enough, I was straddled down by the fact my monetary finances and income were holding me back, holding me down, and allowed me to struggle and worry about money every day, budgeting like crazy, realizing that although money isn’t the most important thing in this world, it is what will allow me to come to a “peace of mind,” able to create my best work, writing and music.

But I needed to struggle. I needed to feel. I needed to break hearts and perhaps break my own heart. I needed my rose-colored-glasses to become a bit tinted by reality — but never lose that childlike wonder. For my entire life, I felt like I had something I wanted to say, but I didn’t know how to process, write, express or even fully know or realize it, until I lived through it.

I needed to live my life in order to realize what it is I wanted to say.

Being home and on the road for the past two or so months has been wonderful. While in the Bay, I have all my family and friends, strongest roots, comfort of a home, a creative space always there for me to work, my natural environment, fresh air, breezy runs and ultimate peace of mind. I’m simply my happiest when I’m there, and I always tell myself, “What does that mean? What does that tell me?”

 

As comfortable as home is, I realize you need to leave the nest, the comfort of your home, to really grow and meet yourself. To face the hard questions. And grow the f**k up.

I’ve had to face some real hard questions of where I want to see myself in the future — job wise, career wise, family, friends, a lover, a home and relationship. But I realize this time in my life is all about me. Having a home in two places is difficult when you’re always on the move because I realized, how can you form those real, lasting connections and relationships you want and desire if you’re always on the move?

I have to say, I’ve left my heart in the Bay. There’s a certain beaut to being in the Bay. And sure, maybe it’s all those random romantic connections that happened (which may be blessings in disguise), and all the reconnected conversations with people who have taken up the largest places in my heart (friends who’ve known me since my little years, seeing and understanding, Rachel, the innocent “heartbreaker” in every sense of the word without even knowing it). But, in the comfort of my family and friends, I see what life’s all about. I see what my dreams really are. And when I step outside of the LA bubble, I’m able to breathe again.

As I am on this journey, I finally feel as if I’ve something to say. New projects are in the works. Lots of writing to compile and process. And I’m being patient with myself this time (how funny it is to think two years ago I was so anxious to leave the life I was living, in hopes for a change, to now learning the careful process and focus). To think I was just 22 when you met me, freshly graduated from college and experiencing the world on her own, to now being 26 and really understanding life’s struggles and my life’s purpose.

I would’ve never known this had I not given myself the time to learn, to grow, to struggle and to really live independently on my own and find myself in this crazy little city (to which I always told myself, “Never lose yourself in this city. Always remember what you want and why you came here. You’re a hell of a person, and anyone would be lucky to know you.” 😉 #humblebrag).

It’s been a grind to cover all the shows I have been covering. And I’ve always known in my heart that I was meant for so much more than talking and writing about others. The guitar has become my weapon, my gift, my best friend, my love, my identity and tool for discovery, and may I use it to express myself, and have fun in the meantime.

A dear friend told me, “I can’t force you to do what you want to do. Nobody can force anyone on anything. But I always knew you were going to come back to music. I’m glad you’re fully in it now.”

I’ll be in the cave for a long while. A slow burn, a fast burn, who knows. But I’m diving in. Life is happening right now, and it’d be a shame to not enjoy it.

View this post on Instagram

REC🔴 like them good ole days. When I was a kid, it was both awkward yet nice to post my first video online, knowing only me and my friends would see it. Then, I posted more and more which was fun until I thought I was sharing too much. All those videos and journal entries, press releases and concert recaps… It’s all been a part of me. As time went on, I felt my subpar videos couldn’t match up to the professionals and maybe I wasn’t posting enough. But hey! I’ve always been one for bedroom recordings and awkward vlogs. So stay in your lane (cough @bacheloretteabc), as they say, right? #happyhumpday #shamelessselfie #writing #recording #music #guitar #onceagain #likethegoodolddays #stayinyourlane #stayinyourtruth #rachelannc

A post shared by Rachel Ann Cauilan (@rachelcansea) on

With love and honesty,

Rachel


View my past video blogs below:
Something About The Fire, and Something About Us 5/2019
Shedding and Movement 4/2019
Twentysix and Beginning Again 3/2019
I’m Stuck, Babe 2/2019
Back To The Velvet Underground 1/2019
Coming Up Roses 12/2018
In My Feels 11/2018
Through Thick And Thin 10/2018
The Last Hurrah 9/2018
Breaking Down to Break Through 9/2018
You Get What You Give 8/2018
Summer Daze 8/2018
Back To You and Hometown Takeaways 7/2018
Young, Reckless and Loving It 6/2018
In A New Light 5/2018
Wandering 5/2018
You Give Me That Wicked Love 4/2018
Rediscovered 3/2018
Twentyfive 3/9/2018
Forever On The Road 2/2018
Beginnings 1/2018
One Sky, Six Months 12/2017
Looking For You, Five Months In 11/2017
Quarter Month Crisis 10/2017
Third Month’s the Charm 9/2017
I Adjusted Month Two 8/2017 
I Survived One Month 7/2017
One Week Out 6/2017

2 responses to “Two Years Later and Summer Beginnings

  1. Pingback: Midsummer Wanderers | beauty within·

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