If there’s one word I can use to describe how this past month has been for me, it has been “charming.”
Now that the initial excitement of my move has washed over me (“I Survived One Month”) and the second month has seen me settling in and adjusting (“I Adjusted Month Two”), this third month has seen me setting things into motion as I’ve gotten a good feel of my work, love and relationships.
It’s true, the older you get the less inclined you may be to 1) go out and 2) see other people, but I’ve been on a constant grind to focus on my loves and real priorities.
Work has been busy yet extremely rewarding. I’ve clocked in 8am-6pm days with long commutes from Orange County northward. I’ve kept an eye on Asian-Americans in entertainment through daily articles while interviewing new artists on the rise, attending their shows, writing coverage and assisting on photoshoots (with names like Mitski, Karrueche Tran and Ross Butler a.k.a. my new crush). I’ve lost sleep and my exercise has slipped, but for the experiences I’ve gained through planning photoshoots, doing food runs, filming behind-the-scenes footage and taking control of social media accounts, it’s been an exhausting yet rewarding experience I can’t help but only be grateful for.Although I’ve been my general happiest, I’ve also been my most emotionally unstable (for as little as I let on). The reality of my day-to-day is that I am living completely and solely on my own. I struggle with feelings of loneliness and worry. I’m isolated from the few friends, family and support I have in the Bay Area; my old roommate and neighbor give me comfort from time to time; my two housemates are both pleasant working professionals with their own independent lives; everyone on social media can seem and feel distant; and the one guy who has been my favorite confidante, source of inspiration and reality check may also be a source of my own heartache.
I admit, sometimes I miss the old me and where I was a year ago. My sentiments get the best of me and miss the time I was young, happy and shamelessly naive. I looked at the world with naive hope, focusing on myself and only myself; I was showered by endless support and kind words from friends, musicians and Internet supporters that pushed and inspired me to keep creating and playing music. I received signs from the universe that led me to believe in me more than I had (“Signs from the Universe”).
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I'm feeling the love @apldeap! @robertherrera3 and #frontrowliveent, you just made my day. It's almost like I was there with my fellow kababayan. Thanks Rob! 🤘 . . . . . #fpac25 #apldeap #blackeyedpeas #whereisthelove #withapldeap #filam #filipinoamerican #pahm #filipinoamericanhistorymonth
Now things are different. I’m living on the edge of 24 and feel more alone than ever. New worries like rent, money, food, my car and unforeseeable living and work situation have begun to take up more space in my mind than my real loves with music, writing, relationships and my health.
I understand this is a process of adjustment and transition. It’s a journey that I know not every day is going to be sunshine and daisies. My skin has grown tougher, my heart a little fonder, my eyes a little bolder and smile a little weaker.
But the thing that comforts me is the fact that this is all temporary.
When we seek safety in something secure and happy — whether that is in someone, something or a situation — it begins to create this intense desire. It begins to eat us up. We worry when worry has no place when we should trust things will solve itself.
But it’s all about letting go and letting love: self-love, unconditional love, believing in love and trusting in the love of others. I’ve been learning about honoring and owning your feelings — to listen to your feelings and desires and voids in your life, because that’s what your mind is telling you to pay attention to.
So let yourself feel and fall, give things your all and accept things as they are. Just make sure you keep yourself in check once in a while. And leave some room for some laughter. Be sure to laugh at yourself sometimes.
With love, honesty and (hopefully) a little charm,
Is everything just right
Don’t want you thinking that I’m in a hurry
I won’t stay afraid
I have this vision and it’s got me worried
‘Cause everyone wants someone
That’s one cliché that’s true
The sad truth’s I want no one
Unless that someone’s you